Emotional Intelligence
My husband and I had this standing joke. I would tell him that he could be so black and white.
“Get in touch with your feminine side”, I would say. “Understand the whole story and know that there are underlying feelings that drive people to do what they do.”
“If I have a feminine side, I want it out”, he would say which always made me laugh.
We still occasionally joke about his feminine side, but with more awareness than in the past. After he lost both of his parents within six months, he discovered a wellspring of feelings that had often eluded him. When we were talking about the recent death of a dear friend’s beloved father, he said that no one could truly understand the sense of profound loss at the death of a parent until experienced firsthand. After his loss, he became conscious of feelings that had long been buried. In the days following the death of his father, I witnessed a natural attunement with his own emotions and the emotions of his family and friends.
The door was opened. The question remained, would it stay open?
Emotions exist at two levels: conscious and unconscious. Emotions that simmer beneath our awareness have significant impact on our choices and our decisions. Denial of strong emotions does not make them disappear. Rather, it increases their power exponentially. Imagine the giant genie finally being released from years of captivity and you begin to get the picture. Unconscious emotions have a detrimental effect on our health, our work, our creativity and our relationships.
We all have tried, at one time or another, to convince ourselves and others, that “I’m fine-not upset at all.” That teenager who just gave the 107th roll of the eyes never bothers you. That co-worker who did not pull his weight for the umpteenth time, hardly fazes. The forgotten birthday? No problem. Selfish friends? Critical family? Incompetent people? Whining children? Bring it on-we are invincible.
Yet, beware if we are cut off on the highway or encounter a rude salesperson. Tell the dog and the family to run and hide like Dorothy fleeing from the oncoming tornado if the stressors of the day swirl out of control. Hide the addictions of choice-food, liquor, cigarettes, the television, the novel. Schedule the doctor appointment when the body tries to give loud and clear messages that something is not quite right. The denied emotions begin to leak and often, we are the last to know what ails us.
So what are we to do? Pay attention. Then pay some more attention.
We can manage our emotions quite effectively when we begin to pay attention. Rather than rendering us powerless and out of control, emotions can motivate and empower our decisions when brought into the light of awareness. Then, we can manage our personal reactivity with more focus and intent. 80% of all of our decisions are rooted in an emotional response-we may as well have a handle on what these feelings are.
The next time you are triggered, instead of reacting, take a deep breath. Notice your body. Is your heart racing? Is your jaw clenched? Does your neck or stomach tighten? Are your palms sweaty? Is your face hot? Does your mind lose clarity and focus? Are you suddenly tired or achy?
Everyone has their own bodily reactions to short or long term emotional stress. It is defined by a combination of our biological make-up, social conditioning and personality style. Just begin to take notice so that you are aware of your own bodily cues and your own triggers. Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, insists that we have neither control over when we are swept away by an emotion nor over what the emotion will be. But, with awareness, we can influence how long it lasts and how we react to it.
We can go for a walk or a run if the emotion is particularly strong. When we calm down and gain some distance from the heat of a strong emotion, we can begin to ask ourselves some questions in order to discern and learn a little about ourselves and our relationships. We can show some compassion for ourselves which will, in turn, result in greater compassion for others. We simply cannot manage our emotions if we deny them, ignore them, and let them spiral out of control. Balance, not suppression, is the key.
Dr. Deepok Chopra describes the cycle of emotions:
- Pain in the present is experienced as hurt
- Pain in the past is remembered as anger
- Pain the future is perceived as anxiety
- Unexpressed anger, redirected against yourself and held within, is called guilt
- The depletion of energy that occurs when anger is redirected inward creates depression.
The only way to deal with emotions is to pay attention to them, deal with it authentically, and move on. Live in the present and be honest enough to avoid the easiest emotion: anger. Instead, expose the hurt which is much harder to confront. It feels so vulnerable, but it is real.
Chopra gives these steps to feel emotions in the present:
- Realize that hurt is the most basic painful feeling. You cannot be in the present without the willingness to feel hurt.
- Be with your sensations. Resist the impulse to either deny what you feel or turn it into anger.
- Say what you feel to the person who caused you hurt without being attached to the outcome.
- Resolve your emotion and move on.
Does is sound easy? It is not, but it is an exercise in freedom. If you can stay in the present, you can follow the trail of emotions back the source, which is really the real you-and it is in this space where love, compassion and truth reside.
These losses of my husband’s were ever so painful. Yet, we are each other’s best teachers. His tendency will always be to avoid those feelings. Mine will always be to react too quickly. Yet, he also has this ability to wait when something triggers a strong emotional reaction. And I have an ability to know just what I am feeling so that I can attend to the emotion. Sometimes he waits too long and sometimes I attend to the feeling too reactively. So, we make those inevitable errors, try not to beat up on ourselves too hard, learn our lesson, and go on.
And when we forget, life will bang us over the head with a 2 x 4 and wake us up once again.