Power vs. Force
We sit in a circle and begin the exercise in which we are invited to reflect on a question that happens to expose a touch of vulnerability. Some engage in quiet reflection, others choose to share aloud. Self-disclosure can be an act of courage. Then she speaks. “That NEVER happens to me,” she says. With a smug smile and a superior manner, she announces her wins, omits the setbacks, and lets the group know-she has arrived and is completely empowered-the mistress of her universe.
The tone of the group shifts. People begin apologizing and rationalizing their challenges. As the group disperses at the end of the meeting, she offers her business card. It says something about “Diva” and empowerment.
Empowerment, I wonder, or is this an ego carefully defended by any notion of vulnerability? When is power authentic and when is power forceful and domineering?
I recall teachers and mentors who exemplify authentic power. They are unlike “The Donald” (as in Trump), nor are they like the Diva at my meeting. They rarely beat their chests or proclaim their self-worth and greatness. They can laugh at their humanness and listen to others’ stories with openness and compassion. They don’t feel compelled to force others to comply with their ideas.
Their power is grounded in a confidence that springs from within. They have mined their inner depths-even as they are acutely aware of their ego defenses, they are also aware of an inner core which embodies wisdom, compassion, and truth. They inspire and encourage rather than force, dominate and boast.
How do we know the difference between Power and Force?
Force controls and coerces. My way or the highway, it insists.
Power teaches, points the way to internal wisdom and then steps back and yields. It knows that life lessons can’t be forced and controlled. They are learned one mistake at a time. Power gently pushes up against our defenses so we are challenged to grow.
Force competes while Power collaborates. Force insists on one winner and one way of thinking, acting and being in the world. It defends its turf, forbidding or minimizing dissent and input.
Power thrives on openness and diversity. Power invites participation while Force excludes other voices. Force clings to “I” while Power knows that “I” is deeply connected to “We.” Each story is the story of all of us.
Force is indifferent while Power is compassionate. Force is afraid to open the heart because emotions seem chaotic and weak. So, it refuses to listen to the experience of others.
Power knows that empathic listening is a doorway to transformation. Have you ever felt truly heard? Afterwards, did you find yourself more willing to listen?
Force is manipulative while Power is truthful. Force misleads and exploits people’s fears in order to control outcome and maintain superiority, dominance and the status quo.
Power names the truth in the face of discomfort, ridicule and dissent. Think of the great social movements of our time-prophets and leaders of revolutions rarely won popularity contests in their lifetimes. Or, think of parents and partners!
Force is impulsive and reactive while Power is thoughtful and reflective. Force reacts to external events with fear and condemnation. It seeks to point the finger of blame “out there.”
Power takes time to reflect and discern, aware that each action may be self-serving or harmful to others. It willingly points the finger within and examines its motives again and again. When power acts, it acts with intention. It acts with awareness of short term pain and long term gain. Think of the civil right movements in America, South Africa and Poland.
Force is rooted in rigidity and fear of change while Power is creative, generative and open to new ways of thinking. Force clings tightly to definitive answers because change calls for surrender and uncertainty. Tighten control and assert authority, insists Force anxiously.
Power empowers individuals to make decisions and delegates authority. It lives in the questions. It trusts that solutions may be hidden in the most surprising places. It steps outside the box unafraid. It finds exhilaration in innovation. It remains calm in the face of uncertainty, trusting that reality shifts, changes and evolves.
The tension between Force and Power exists in intimate relationships with family and friends. It exists in our schools, our work and our communities. We see it in living color in our political and religious structures. When conflicting ideologies are at stake, Power often gives way to Force particularly if we are afraid.
The key, as always, is awareness. When making a decision, ask:
- Am I defensive, arrogant and controlling or am I open to others’ perspectives?
- Do I invite collaboration and empower others or is my ego clinging to my own agenda?
- Have I been honest with myself and others?
- Did I take time for reflection and listen intuitively to my gut feeling?
- Am I reacting out of fear or faith?
Perhaps I was triggered by the Diva because I am aware of the “Diva” and the “Donald” inside of me who wants to control with Force. When my buttons are pushed, chances are someone is mirroring the shadow self I hide so carefully. Yet, I am also aware that inside of me is one whose power is empowering.
Inside of each of us, the potential for Power or Force exists. Moment by moment, we stand at a fork in the road.