Simple Stories
Have you ever noticed how you repeat your same patterns again and again? Have you ever said to yourself, “Why did I say that?” or “Why did I do that-again?”
The patterns that get me in trouble usually have something to do with over-planning my schedule, forgetting that over-commitment leads to scattered behavior and weak follow through. Or, it might have something to do with controlling my children with my so-called wise advice that they never asked me to give.
You know your own. Think about it – what habits keep you stuck? Do you fail to speak up and express your own agenda and needs and then resent when you are overlooked? Do you make assumptions about people without checking to see if they are true or if they are something conjured in your creative mind?
Are you overly critical of yourself or others? Or is procrastination something that zings you again and again? Do you express anger in such a way that you alienate the ones you love the most? Do you over-give and then find yourself resenting those who benefit from your giving? Perhaps you are so goal oriented that you disregard your feelings and the feelings of others who try to communicate with you.
What if you had a tool that allowed you to self-observe in such an impactful way, that you could understand why you do what you do? What if you could begin to let go of patterns that no longer serve you and those around you?
The wisdom of the Enneagram allows us to uncover our motivations so we can stop repeating timeworn habits. I marvel when I interview panelists in my classes. They tell their stories and they laugh as they realize how similar their patterns are to those who share their type! Each story is unique and compelling, but those habits are remarkably similar.
I had a client tell me she had read all about the Enneagram, but it really began to sink in when she witnessed her first panel. That’s the beauty of the oral tradition. Our stories connect us to one another.
Once we get beyond the initial “aha,” the real transformation begins. We begin to self-observe-we learn our triggers, we become aware of our autopilot responses and begin to pause, and then convert our energy so they can engage in conscious conduct and healthier courses of action. Interestingly, the offshoot of such self-observation is a considerable amount of compassion for oneself and others. It is elegant to watch it unfold.
Let me share a couple stories that illuminate type reactions. If you are familiar with the Enneagram, see if you can guess the type as I share the story. (Thanks to Mary Bast, PhD., coach and friend, for the first story). If you are unfamiliar with the Enneagram, see if you can recognize patterns similar to your own or others in your life.
Mary Bast’s story:
Sue ‘was able to see everyone’s perspective and rarely got angry.’ She had been having tension headaches and gastrointestinal symptoms, and came for therapy at her roommate’s suggestion. Oh, and by the way, Sue had broken up with Clay, her boyfriend of three years, after she surprised him at his office having sex with his secretary.
Admittedly hurt and feeling betrayed, Sue ‘was able to rationalize his infidelity by citing his difficult childhood and that the secretary was pretty… she genuinely felt sad for him because she thought he would never be able to have a monogamous relationship.’ OK, readers, are you beginning to see an Enneagram trance?
Here’s one more hint: Sue’s father habitually raged out of control while her mother screamed and cried in response. Sue decided at an early age she would never rage like her father.Yes, she is probably a Nine, the “Mediator.” Her explanation of why she wasn’t angry with her boyfriend is a prime example of how Nines minimize. We can guess that Sue maintained her Nine worldview by polarizing between raging and feeling no anger at all. Unconsciously, she believed if she didn’t tamp down her anger she would fly into a rage.
Her coach’s response was simple and elegant. He got Sue to agree to buy a clay plate of a pleasing color, wear goggles to protect her eyes, and break the plate in half with a rock, noticing how far into the clay the pleasant color permeated. Bit by bit, she was to break and grind the clay into dust, scoop the dust into a plastic bag, and bring it to her next session. By the time she returned, not only was Sue feeling exhilarated, she had phoned her ex-boyfriend and told him off. Within a few sessions her physical symptoms began responding to medical treatment.
Nines, who rarely get overtly angry, contain a good bit of anger underneath the peaceful exterior. When they begin to express their anger healthily, Nines begin to identify their own agenda instead of merging with others’ and acting out their anger passive aggressively. They learn to define their own priorities, despite the discomfort or conflict that may arise when they begin to “step into their own lives.”
Leslie’s coaching story:
Dick was warm and engaging and even had a small gift for me as we began our coaching relationship. He was a young, small business owner who was struggling with an employee whose personal unhappiness was creeping into the office and creating a toxic environment. Dick came to me for some coaching because his business felt stalled and he was stressed out, angry, and resentful.
He had talked to the employee repeatedly, expressing empathy for her situation, but explained her attitude was becoming a concern. At one point, he even gave the employee a small raise thinking it might help her home situation so she would be less difficult at work. When this did not work, he found himself dropping hints and making veiled accusations.
I asked him what he really needed. He deflected my question. Rather, he talked about what was best for the employees and what the company needed. He felt the difficult employee wanted to stay home to care for her ailing mother and young children. He shared stories of all the relationships within the office. I mentioned to him that he had not yet shared what HE needed.
When I asked this, his eyes and his voice dropped. He said he wanted to fire her because she was hurting his struggling business. If you are familiar with the Enneagram, do you recognize Dick’s style?
Dick is a Two who has a difficult time expressing his own needs. His focus on caring for everyone else was a “back door” way to meet his own needs AND gain approval and acceptance.
I asked what was holding him back. He said he didn’t want to be a tyrant. I reminded him that there is something between being a tyrant and allowing a toxic employee to poison an entire office.
When stuck in our type, we tend to think in polarities. Either I act upon my compulsions or everything will fall apart. In this case, Dick was sure he would be viewed as a heartless tyrant if he took care of his own need for a healthy business environment and satisfied employees.
Dick and I worked to reframe the situation and discovered that sometimes, letting someone go is a compassionate act for everyone involved. With clear resolve, Dick had a final discussion with the employee and let her go. He came to the next session elated. The mood of the entire office changed. He had been so concerned about being “nice,” that he hadn’t realized how damaging this employee was to office morale.
When Twos begin to “wake up,” they begin to discover that true self-worth comes from within-not from the approval of others. They develop an internal compass in which giving is no longer prideful and manipulative. Rather giving is grounded in a discerning heart that is naturally compassionate.
What is your story? Take a step back and observe your patterns. Avoid judgment and self-criticism. Just observe as a curious witness. Begin to widen your lens and ask if there are other ways of acting, thinking and feeling. Be aware of either/or thinking. How can you reframe a situation in order to discover a creative solution? What pieces of the story are you missing? What are you afraid to see? You can begin to open your eyes so that you can see reality with a fresh perspective, free of egoic compulsions.
The astonishing thing about “waking up” is not that everyone in the world becomes kinder and gentler. YOU become more open to life experiences just as they are. People and situations become opportunities for deeper insight and awareness. Wisdom deepens as you live closer to the essence of who are you were always meant to be. That is truly a story worth sharing.