Some Day is Now
As many of you know, I am a certified teacher of the Enneagram, an outstanding system for self-understanding based on nine personality types. Rather than put you in a box, awareness of your Enneatype breaks you out of your box by helping you overcome barriers to well-being. It identifies gifts and challenges of each type, communication style, leadership style, parenting style, and stressors. Awareness of your type and others’ type improves personal and professional relationships.
Geoff, a client of mine, recently said, “When we first started our coaching, I was pretty skeptical when you told me to watch my thoughts, habits and feelings. I mean, I asked you to help me grow my business, and you were talking about watching my thought patterns! Now, I see that awareness is everything!
A Six on the Enneagram, he began to notice the subtle ways he held himself back from achieving his goals. He watched his doubting mind and was surprised by what he observed. When we would develop an action plan for building his business in a coaching session, he noticed the ways he began to doubt it before he got back in his car. His habit of mind focuses on worst case scenarios and he comes up with a litany of reasons why the plan won’t work. In the past, he would have procrastinated, cancelled an appointment (withdrawal, common when a Six feels stress), or he may have conveyed his anxiety to his clients as he moved forward.
With a little awareness and some simple strategies, he has been able to see through these thought patterns. When he begins to doubt an action, he now checks in with himself. Is this a legitimate concern? Does he have corroborating evidence to back up this worst case scenario? More often than not, he has discovered that actual evidence is in short supply. What are some positive outcomes, he asks himself. Positive scenarios are a challenge for him to envision, so we have done some relaxation exercises in order to loosen his resistance.
His change in a short time has been remarkable. His willingness to roll up his sleeves and work hard serves him well. If Sixes support an action, they are dedicated hard workers. I have to occasionally remind him of his progress as he tends to have amnesia when it comes to the goals he has achieved.
I recently listened to the story of a Three, the Performer on the Enneagram, who spent a week in silent retreat. This woman, whose entire worldview insists that one must be constantly busy, task and goal-oriented, and productive to have any inherent value, spent a week alone. She noticed things she had never noticed before. Simple things like the rushing of a creek, the soulful song of a mourning dove, and the blue of a winter sky moved her to tears.
She had missed the serenity of a day spent in nature as she ran from goal to goal. She expressed surprise that people seem to enjoy this more authentic version of herself. She still works hard in her job, but she makes her way through the world with a heart that has opened.
These stories illustrate the power of self-awareness. Daniel Goleman insists that self-awareness is THE critical Emotional Intelligence competency. Social and personal competence begins with self-confidence, emotional awareness and an ability to accurately self-assess. The Enneagram is unsurpassed in assisting us in making some honest assessments of our strengths and weaknesses.
The key is cultivating a strong Inner Observer. What is an Inner Observer, you may ask. Try this: Take three deep, slow breaths, close your eyes and count your thoughts for one minute. Who is doing the counting? The Inner Observer. The Inner Observer, a neutral, observing self, can witness the patterns that keep you stuck. It shoots holes in your limited worldview.
It “outs” your debilitating patterns that keeps you stuck in repetitive conflicts, self-defeating behaviors, and in fear of change.
If you are a One, it busts your assumption that you, your co-workers, your children and your spouse must constantly strive toward perfection to find a measure of serenity.
If you are a Two, it “outs” your insistence that you have no needs of your own and that self-care is selfish. It knows that you do not have to give until you are drained in order to get the love and care you need.
If you are a Three, your observer knows that you are NOT only as good as your last accomplishment. You are a human being, not a “human doing.” Love can come even when you are not the star. Those who truly love you, love you-not your role
If you are a Four, your observer shoots a hole in your belief that you will be rejected or slighted by others. Intensity of feelings is the juice that revs your engines, but with some self-awareness, you find a measure of peace in balance and equanimity.
If you are a Five, your observer notices how you detach from others and hide behind a world of intellect and ideas, covering your warmth and compassion. The observer knows you will not be swallowed up when you allow yourself to experience your feelings.
If you are a Six, your observer knows that underneath your fear and doubt in yourself and others, lies extraordinary courage and loyalty. The observer will help you shift your attention from worst case thinking to realistic assessment of situations as they arise.
If you are a Seven, your observer reveals your fear of boredom, pain and limitations. When you allow yourself to slow down, and pay attention to the present moment rather than escaping to the next exciting plan, you discover the joy, depth and fulfillment that comes with commitment.
If you are an Eight, your observer busts your need for power and control and your insistence that this world is unjust and unfair-it allows you to soften to your own vulnerability knowing that you will always be a strong presence who is grounded in what is true.
If you are a Nine, your observer sees the subtle ways you forget yourself by caring for everyone’s agenda but your own. It begins to notice the way you passively-aggressively express your anger with stubbornness and quiet resistance. It calls you home to your own position-those who care will support you as you maintain your boundaries and express your own ideas.
Below are some suggested books and web pages to help you determine your type. Work with the suggestions and do the practices. Reading a book is just a beginning. A well done workshop is even better. Yet, if you stop there, the insights will fade. Change comes with daily action.
www.authenticenneagram.com
www.internationalenneagram.org
The Enneagram by Helen Palmer
The Essential Enneagram by David Daniels
Bringing Out the Best in Yourself at Work by Ginger Lapid Bogda
The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson
Do the suggested awareness practices given to you by the book, web page or your executive/personal coach. Notice your resistance. (I worked with a client who was not sure she was a One. I asked her to make a deliberate mistake once a day for a week. She came in to the next session laughing-”Okay, okay I’m a perfectionist. I had so much anxiety, it was unbelievable. I think I am finally making a connection with my colitis and my perfectionism. My husband said I was uptight and I thought something was wrong with him!”) Her next assignment consisted of enjoying a day without any self-improvement agenda-enjoyment for enjoyment’s sake. Even as she enjoyed her day, her observer noticed the guilt that crept into her awareness).
If you feel like you need a partner to help you get “unstuck,” work with a trained, competent coach who will help you notice what you cannot see because of your limited filter. A coach is a partner who can help you stay focused and on track, make desired changes, and hold you accountable to an action plan. A coach observes patterns that keep you stuck and assists you in developing self -awareness so you act with intention instead of reacting on autopilot.
Take time for a retreat. I receive countless notices about retreats in our area that are geared towards personal and/or spiritual renewal and transformation. I know many of the teachers and they are competent, dedicated professionals.
Develop a relaxation, meditation and/or contemplative prayer practice. Can we cultivate self-awareness if we can’t take a moment to slow down and reflect? There are a number of books, tapes and teachers to assist you. Stress is the number reason for doctor visits-your mind, body and spirit are wonderful teachers reminding us that we are human BEINGS, not human DOINGS. Whoever thought of the idea of Sabbath was onto something.
If you are interested in learning more about the Enneagram, attend an introductory workshop, or a more advance one if you have been working with the Enneagram. Cincinnati has one of the highest per capita of Enneagram teachers in the world! We have a supportive and collaborative community. There are a number of executive/personal coaches, teachers, spiritual directors, counselors and ministers who are trained in this system.
Some day is now. We spend endless time and money on activities and things-computers, TV, new clothes, better bodies, better hair, better houses. We run ourselves, our children ragged and we feel restless when we stop for a moment to experience the sacred life that lies right in the moment. Richard Rohr says, “We are a circumference people with little access to the center. We live on the boundaries of our lives, confusing edges with essence, too quickly claiming the superficial as substance.” We usually wait until suffering, loss, depression, or grief to pay attention to the essence of our lives. Life calls us today and every day. Some day is now.