Wake Up Calls
*The election is over. We are either relieved and grateful or profoundly disappointed. The last column closed with the question, “How can we cultivate the soil of living life compassionately involved in our families, communities, nation and world without becoming angry, frustrated or bitter when we do not agree with one another?”
If we are to move forward with an open heart, it is time to step back and begin with the first step suggested in the last column: Look into our own hearts with open eyes to foster self-awareness. Let go and surrender old ways that have become a burden. This helps us develop an inner rudder that helps us navigate turbulent waters.
Part 2 of 5 parts:
I live with two teenagers full time and three when my eldest is home from college. So, my life is a bit like a ramble through the woodlands in which I stumble through prickly bramble and briar-nothing seems simple or easy. I grow weary and tired and question the journey. Then, I am graced by those moving moments in which I happen upon a tranquil, freshwater stream-crystal clarity and all seems right with the world. I wax philosophical to anyone who will listen that these are halcyon days and I will never forget their sweetness. I blink my eye and the stream morphs into unforeseen, precipitous rushing rapids with such force that I hardly know where I am. My only option is to stop lashing about, surrender to the unknown and let the turbulent waves carry me. It’s a ride I rarely regret, but make no mistake, it births a fear I hide-even to myself. Love is funny that way.
Early on in my life as a parent, I came to a sobering conclusion-my children were nothing like me. They were not born to fulfill my scripted roles for them. They had minds and hearts of their own and needed to experience the world on their terms. I could not shield them from disappointment and pain. I could not hold them back in fear when they needed to venture into unfamiliar territory. I could not tell them the entire story of my life in order to enlighten them and prevent any mishaps and missteps-they needed first hand experience.
You see, when I was young, moving from town to town and school to school, I unconsciously adopted a strategy that worked quite well for my perpetual role as the new girl. Charm, disarm, and make ‘em laugh. Move into my coveted spot as the center of attention so I can see all the faces, determine just what they need and give to them on a platter. It worked wonders at easing the sadness of remembering the friends I left behind, but as I aged and matured, I realized that this ability to win people over had its own kind of price.
It became a bit like a hit of adrenaline and the result was not very healthy at all. Often, I found myself morphing into someone I did not always want to be. The frame of reference for who I was, became other people. “What will others think?” became far too important and I slowly realized I was losing myself, making decisions based on the crowd’s approval.
That is, until my children came along. They adopted a far different strategy than their mother. Each, in varying degrees, entered into unfamiliar surroundings far more tentatively. One of them would contentedly imagine and play with or without others, another observed from the sidelines waiting and watching and at the right time, would choose some friends and entertain them with a wicked sense of humor. Another would choose a few friends carefully before flying headlong into close friendships full of fun, frolic and lots of high drama.
The interesting thing is, they seemed remarkably content and comfortable with their lives. How could this be? Don’t you have to be the center of the action if you are to keep life up and happy? Don’t you have to be the leader of at least two or three clubs to prove your worth? The unspoken answer from these children of mine seems to be a resounding, “no.”
They resist my attempts to control them. They dress in their own style, choose their own friends, and pursue their own interests, becoming active in teams and groups for reasons quite unlike mine. They have made far more intelligent decisions in their teen years than I ever did because they are not at the mercy of the crowd.
As I have discovered far too often, when I attempt to control and advise others, it is more about me than about them. As I traveled the path of self-awareness, I discovered a few things.
First, when I am following my own path and feeling comfortable in my own skin, I am much more open to those who blaze a unique trail. I understand the risks, the faith in the unknown, and the courage it takes to stand on your own. My children tell me they love when I went back to school and started a new career. I was pursuing my own dreams rather than micromanaging theirs. I also feel less fearful when they make choices and decisions that lead them into uncharted waters. Faith in myself gives me faith in others. I know mistakes are the greatest teachers and failure is the doorway to a whole new world.
Second, I learned that the things I don’t like in others, are usually things I don’t like in me. (The fancy term is “projection.” My favorite way of describing it is “You spot it, you got it.”) Opinionated people who think only their political/religious/social ideas will save the world? Annoying as all get out. Folks who talk too much and always have to be the center of attention? Like nails on the blackboard. Talking heads who are long on ideas but short on heart and compassion? Been there, done that. Judgmental people? Hmmm, maybe I have been awfully hard on others… and hard on myself. Self-awareness has forced me to take a deep breath when I feel “triggered” and ask myself, what is going on inside of ME?
Third, the people I idealize carry qualities that I have inside of myself. If I idealize another, I don’t have to face the fear, work and tenacity it takes to convert my own innate talents into strengths. I love Sam Keen, writer, teacher, philosopher. Why even TRY to write-you will never be a Sam Keen, I tell myself. Sr. Joan Chittister, prolific writer, awe inspiring teacher and advocate for social justice, blows me away. I have none of her courage, I insist. Yet, when I took a class from her, she held my face in her hands and said with her characteristic bossiness, “You have a talent. Now get out there and USE it.” My fear was palpable and I hardly slept that night. Far better to put others on a pedestal in order to escape risk.
Carl Jung called this “shadow work.” He taught that the shadow is the repressed and denied part of the Self. These are those qualities, positive or negative, that we stuff in a bag as kids because we receive messages from the outer world that they are not quite acceptable. Problems surface because we still unconsciously carry the bag with us every where we go.
A journey of self-awareness asks us to turn on the lights, slowly and carefully unpack the bag, and decide what needs to come out. Some is best left inside the bag. Yet, is extraordinarily helpful to know what’s in there. Mother Teresa intuitively knew this when she said, “I am aware every day of the Hitler inside of me.”
We give lots of lip service to the words, “Be yourself,” but in reality, we resist it with a vengeance. Being ourselves may open us to criticism and judgment. Discovering our deepest calling may force us to face our fear of failure or shame. Owning our darkest side may force us to face our vulnerability. Better to project it onto another person, group or nation. Better to idealize someone else so we can maintain complacency and comfort.
As I began this journey of self-awareness, I intuitively knew I was onto something that would change my life if I let it. This gut feeling was validated when I came across some extraordinary texts in my Theology studies.
These ancient codices were discovered in an earthenware jar in Egypt in 1947. The collection included an astonishing number of texts that dated back to 50 C.E. They were written before the gospels that are currently in the New Testament Christian scriptures. They include gospels, dialogues and conversations attributed to Jesus and his disciples.
I read in one of them the following:
Knock upon yourself as upon a door, and walk upon yourself as a straight road. For if you walk on that path, you cannot go astray; and when you knock on that door, what you open for yourself shall open. Let the one who seeks, not stop seeking until he finds. When he finds, he shall be troubled. When he becomes troubled, he will be amazed, and shall come to transcend all things.
Another said:
Jesus said, “If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.
Interestingly enough, Carl Jung never saw these texts when he insisted on the transformational power of “shadow work.”
Opening our hearts to others’ path first requires that we open our hearts and look compassionately at ourselves. This is the territory of good psychology.
Next, we let go and surrender old ways that have become a burden. This is where psychology ends, and spirituality begins. This is conscious living and we draw less from the murky waters of “what people think” and we nourish ourselves from the life giving waters of the soul. There may not be as much certainty, but rest assured, you will not go away thirsty.