Fostering An Integral Vision For The World

Emotional Intelligence

My husband and I had this standing joke. I would tell him that he could be so black and white.

“Get in touch with your feminine side”, I would say. “Understand the whole story and know that there are underlying feelings that drive people to do what they do.”

“If I have a feminine side, I want it out”, he would say which always made me laugh.

We still occasionally joke about his feminine side, but with more awareness than in the past. After he lost both of his parents within six months, he discovered a wellspring of feelings that had often eluded him. When we were talking about the recent death of a dear friend’s beloved father, he said that no one could truly understand the sense of profound loss at the death of a parent until experienced firsthand. After his loss, he became conscious of feelings that had long been buried. In the days following the death of his father, I witnessed a natural attunement with his own emotions and the emotions of his family and friends.

The door was opened. The question remained, would it stay open?

Emotions exist at two levels: conscious and unconscious. Emotions that simmer beneath our awareness have significant impact on our choices and our decisions. Denial of strong emotions does not make them disappear. Rather, it increases their power exponentially. Imagine the giant genie finally being released from years of captivity and you begin to get the picture. Unconscious emotions have a detrimental effect on our health, our work, our creativity and our relationships.

We all have tried, at one time or another, to convince ourselves and others, that “I’m fine-not upset at all.” That teenager who just gave the 107th roll of the eyes never bothers you. That co-worker who did not pull his weight for the umpteenth time, hardly fazes. The forgotten birthday? No problem. Selfish friends? Critical family? Incompetent people? Whining children? Bring it on-we are invincible.

Yet, beware if we are cut off on the highway or encounter a rude salesperson. Tell the dog and the family to run and hide like Dorothy fleeing from the oncoming tornado if the stressors of the day swirl out of control. Hide the addictions of choice-food, liquor, cigarettes, the television, the novel. Schedule the doctor appointment when the body tries to give loud and clear messages that something is not quite right. The denied emotions begin to leak and often, we are the last to know what ails us.

So what are we to do? Pay attention. Then pay some more attention.

We can manage our emotions quite effectively when we begin to pay attention. Rather than rendering us powerless and out of control, emotions can motivate and empower our decisions when brought into the light of awareness. Then, we can manage our personal reactivity with more focus and intent. 80% of all of our decisions are rooted in an emotional response-we may as well have a handle on what these feelings are.

The next time you are triggered, instead of reacting, take a deep breath. Notice your body. Is your heart racing? Is your jaw clenched? Does your neck or stomach tighten? Are your palms sweaty? Is your face hot? Does your mind lose clarity and focus? Are you suddenly tired or achy?

Everyone has their own bodily reactions to short or long term emotional stress. It is defined by a combination of our biological make-up, social conditioning and personality style. Just begin to take notice so that you are aware of your own bodily cues and your own triggers. Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, insists that we have neither control over when we are swept away by an emotion nor over what the emotion will be. But, with awareness, we can influence how long it lasts and how we react to it.

We can go for a walk or a run if the emotion is particularly strong. When we calm down and gain some distance from the heat of a strong emotion, we can begin to ask ourselves some questions in order to discern and learn a little about ourselves and our relationships. We can show some compassion for ourselves which will, in turn, result in greater compassion for others. We simply cannot manage our emotions if we deny them, ignore them, and let them spiral out of control. Balance, not suppression, is the key.

Dr. Deepok Chopra describes the cycle of emotions:

• Pain in the present is experienced as hurt
• Pain in the past is remembered as anger
• Pain the future is perceived as anxiety
• Unexpressed anger, redirected against yourself and held within, is called guilt
• The depletion of energy that occurs when anger is redirected inward creates depression.

The only way to deal with emotions is to pay attention to them, deal with it authentically, and move on. Live in the present and be honest enough to avoid the easiest emotion: anger. Instead, expose the hurt which is much harder to confront. It feels so vulnerable, but it is real.

Chopra gives these steps to feel emotions in the present:

• Realize that hurt is the most basic painful feeling. You cannot be in the present without the willingness to feel hurt.
• Be with your sensations. Resist the impulse to either deny what you feel or turn it into anger.
• Say what you feel to the person who caused you hurt without being attached to the outcome.
• Resolve your emotion and move on.

Does is sound easy? It is not, but it is an exercise in freedom. If you can stay in the present, you can follow the trail of emotions back the source, which is really the real you-and it is in this space where love, compassion and truth reside.

These losses of my husband’s were ever so painful. Yet, we are each other’s best teachers. His tendency will always be to avoid those feelings. Mine will always be to react too quickly. Yet, he also has this ability to wait when something triggers a strong emotional reaction. And I have an ability to know just what I am feeling so that I can attend to the emotion. Sometimes he waits too long and sometimes I attend to the feeling too reactively. So, we make those inevitable errors, try not to beat up on ourselves too hard, learn our lesson, and go on.

And when we forget, life will bang us over the head with a 2 x 4 and wake us up once again.

Election Day

Yesterday, I was chatting with a friend who has become involved in a local campaign issue. She has been acutely aware of her reactions as she works hard for something very important to her. Frustration. Annoyance. Anger. Hurt.

After all, in a campaign, friends and family may not agree. Intelligent people suddenly seemed duped, clueless, myopic or self serving. E-mails are flying. Sharp words are exchanged. How could “they,” we wonder. “They” seemed to be such bright, thoughtful people before this election. We are also aware that “they” think the same of “us.”

As we talked, we wondered how we can become engaged in the political process thoughtfully and reflectively. We condemn the bitterness and divisiveness of the campaigns, but we also know we can fall prey to the same temptation to name call, scapegoat and play the blame game. It is enough to tempt us to choose one of the greatest demons-complacency. If I don’t care, I won’t have to feel the pain of loss.

Complacency allows us to put our heads in the sand to avoid the anxiety of real world issues. It leaves others to their own resources and lets the chips fall where they may. The silence of many citizens of Nazi Germany illustrates the dangerous allure of closing our doors as long as we are comfortable. We insulate ourselves from the pain of those who are not in our inner circle while those who suffer are in our midst.

So, how can we compassionately involve ourselves in our communities, our nation and our world without becoming angry, bitter and burned out? How can we be leaders in transforming ourselves and our relationships with others without becoming disillusioned and drained?

Seeds of wisdom

Amazingly enough, the answers lie in all of the great faith and wisdom traditions. The seeds of truth have been sown for centuries and all we need do is open our eyes.

When I studied Theology, I was moved by the common thread that ran through all the traditions. I pored through books on Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism, and Jungian psychology. I read the poetry of mystics and sages. I visited mosques, synagogues, churches and cathedrals. I listened to the stories of people whose lives had been transformed by the simplest of teachings. I sat at the feet of teachers who had spent years serving communities in Central America, Viet Nam, Africa and the inner cities of the United States.

When they spoke with open hearts, they rarely talked about rules, doctrine and dogma. They did not stand on self-righteous soap boxes condemning those who chose a path that was different from theirs. Rather, they shared simple stories of people like you and me who wanted happiness and wholeness, but often acted out of fear, jealousy, anger or shame.

They were far from perfect. Yet, I noticed something rather remarkable. Most of them were willing to look into their own hearts to examine their motives before they sought societal change. They took the teaching very seriously that reminds us, “Remove the plank in your own eyes before you remove the splinter in your neighbor’s.”

They deeply listened to others’ stories. They asked questions. They acknowledged that each person had a worldview based on a deeply personal life experience. Their aim was to widen our narrow prism. They encouraged us to examine an issue from another perspective quite different from our own. Love of neighbor cannot be a cute platitude or obscure idea. It is a radical call to understanding, openness and compassion.

They also encouraged us to act. Transformation was not limited to our own singular path. Rather, they insisted that we live and breathe in community and we are called to live compassionately and mindfully within our communities. We are called to step outside of our insular world and respond using our own unique gifts: teaching, writing, healing, advocacy, political activism, counseling, leading, feeding or serving in some concrete way.

The response is not to be motivated by guilt which is just another destructive egoic reaction. Rather, response is motivated by profound personal transformation in which we consciously choose how we will act.

Finally, they taught us to rest and surrender. If we are compulsively attached to our own version of the truth, to our own desired outcome, then our passion turns to resentment, vehemence, and wrath.

Cultivating the soil

These teachings are in every wisdom tradition:

• Look into our own hearts with open eyes to foster self-awareness. Let go and surrender old ways that have become a burden. This helps us develop an inner rudder that helps us navigate turbulent waters.
• Open our hearts to other’s experiences and listen to a story quite unlike ours. We don’t have to agree with the fruits of this life experience, but we can listen so that we understand a perspective very different from our own. Guidance on the inner journey comes through relationships which help us discern.
• Respond with conscious action in our own lives, relationships and communities.
• Rest in the awareness that every event births another. We can’t always control outcome. Loss and pain are inevitable throughout our lives. Sometimes, we simply don’t KNOW anything for certain, so we rest in conscious cooperation with the flow of Life.

How can we cultivate this soil? Over the next few weeks, this column will devote itself to reflections and practices that foster looking into our own hearts, listening to others’ stories, responding with conscious action, and resting in conscious cooperation with Life just as it is. These four practices stimulate timeless insights that have the power to transform divided communities.

Fortunately, the election will go on. Some will experience a sense of hope, others will be discouraged and frustrated. We will feel our feelings, express our disappointment or joy, and then continue the journey towards our own awakening. The greatest loss would not be our issue or candidate’s defeat. Rather, it would be the loss of hope that we can impact this world in a way that honors our connection to one another and to this amazing Earth on which we live.

My friend embodies courage because she chose dedication, caring and commitment over apathy and cynicism. She chose to allow a challenging campaign to teach her to open her heart to the things she resists-hurt, disappointment, anger. She knows that letting go will take some time. Yet, she will use this election as grist for the mill of awareness.

Wake Up Calls

*The election is over. We are either relieved and grateful or profoundly disappointed. The last column closed with the question, “How can we cultivate the soil of living life compassionately involved in our families, communities, nation and world without becoming angry, frustrated or bitter when we do not agree with one another?”

If we are to move forward with an open heart, it is time to step back and begin with the first step suggested in the last column: Look into our own hearts with open eyes to foster self-awareness. Let go and surrender old ways that have become a burden. This helps us develop an inner rudder that helps us navigate turbulent waters.

Part 2 of 5 parts:

I live with two teenagers full time and three when my eldest is home from college. So, my life is a bit like a ramble through the woodlands in which I stumble through prickly bramble and briar-nothing seems simple or easy. I grow weary and tired and question the journey. Then, I am graced by those moving moments in which I happen upon a tranquil, freshwater stream-crystal clarity and all seems right with the world. I wax philosophical to anyone who will listen that these are halcyon days and I will never forget their sweetness. I blink my eye and the stream morphs into unforeseen, precipitous rushing rapids with such force that I hardly know where I am. My only option is to stop lashing about, surrender to the unknown and let the turbulent waves carry me. It’s a ride I rarely regret, but make no mistake, it births a fear I hide-even to myself. Love is funny that way.

Early on in my life as a parent, I came to a sobering conclusion-my children were nothing like me. They were not born to fulfill my scripted roles for them. They had minds and hearts of their own and needed to experience the world on their terms. I could not shield them from disappointment and pain. I could not hold them back in fear when they needed to venture into unfamiliar territory. I could not tell them the entire story of my life in order to enlighten them and prevent any mishaps and missteps-they needed first hand experience.

You see, when I was young, moving from town to town and school to school, I unconsciously adopted a strategy that worked quite well for my perpetual role as the new girl. Charm, disarm, and make ‘em laugh. Move into my coveted spot as the center of attention so I can see all the faces, determine just what they need and give to them on a platter. It worked wonders at easing the sadness of remembering the friends I left behind, but as I aged and matured, I realized that this ability to win people over had its own kind of price.

It became a bit like a hit of adrenaline and the result was not very healthy at all. Often, I found myself morphing into someone I did not always want to be. The frame of reference for who I was, became other people. “What will others think?” became far too important and I slowly realized I was losing myself, making decisions based on the crowd’s approval.

That is, until my children came along. They adopted a far different strategy than their mother. Each, in varying degrees, entered into unfamiliar surroundings far more tentatively. One of them would contentedly imagine and play with or without others, another observed from the sidelines waiting and watching and at the right time, would choose some friends and entertain them with a wicked sense of humor. Another would choose a few friends carefully before flying headlong into close friendships full of fun, frolic and lots of high drama.

The interesting thing is, they seemed remarkably content and comfortable with their lives. How could this be? Don’t you have to be the center of the action if you are to keep life up and happy? Don’t you have to be the leader of at least two or three clubs to prove your worth? The unspoken answer from these children of mine seems to be a resounding, “no.”

They resist my attempts to control them. They dress in their own style, choose their own friends, and pursue their own interests, becoming active in teams and groups for reasons quite unlike mine. They have made far more intelligent decisions in their teen years than I ever did because they are not at the mercy of the crowd.

As I have discovered far too often, when I attempt to control and advise others, it is more about me than about them. As I traveled the path of self-awareness, I discovered a few things.

First, when I am following my own path and feeling comfortable in my own skin, I am much more open to those who blaze a unique trail. I understand the risks, the faith in the unknown, and the courage it takes to stand on your own. My children tell me they love when I went back to school and started a new career. I was pursuing my own dreams rather than micromanaging theirs. I also feel less fearful when they make choices and decisions that lead them into uncharted waters. Faith in myself gives me faith in others. I know mistakes are the greatest teachers and failure is the doorway to a whole new world.

Second, I learned that the things I don’t like in others, are usually things I don’t like in me. (The fancy term is “projection.” My favorite way of describing it is “You spot it, you got it.”) Opinionated people who think only their political/religious/social ideas will save the world? Annoying as all get out. Folks who talk too much and always have to be the center of attention? Like nails on the blackboard. Talking heads who are long on ideas but short on heart and compassion? Been there, done that. Judgmental people? Hmmm, maybe I have been awfully hard on others… and hard on myself. Self-awareness has forced me to take a deep breath when I feel “triggered” and ask myself, what is going on inside of ME?

Third, the people I idealize carry qualities that I have inside of myself. If I idealize another, I don’t have to face the fear, work and tenacity it takes to convert my own innate talents into strengths. I love Sam Keen, writer, teacher, philosopher. Why even TRY to write-you will never be a Sam Keen, I tell myself. Sr. Joan Chittister, prolific writer, awe inspiring teacher and advocate for social justice, blows me away. I have none of her courage, I insist. Yet, when I took a class from her, she held my face in her hands and said with her characteristic bossiness, “You have a talent. Now get out there and USE it.” My fear was palpable and I hardly slept that night. Far better to put others on a pedestal in order to escape risk.

Carl Jung called this “shadow work.” He taught that the shadow is the repressed and denied part of the Self. These are those qualities, positive or negative, that we stuff in a bag as kids because we receive messages from the outer world that they are not quite acceptable. Problems surface because we still unconsciously carry the bag with us every where we go.

A journey of self-awareness asks us to turn on the lights, slowly and carefully unpack the bag, and decide what needs to come out. Some is best left inside the bag. Yet, is extraordinarily helpful to know what’s in there. Mother Teresa intuitively knew this when she said, “I am aware every day of the Hitler inside of me.”

We give lots of lip service to the words, “Be yourself,” but in reality, we resist it with a vengeance. Being ourselves may open us to criticism and judgment. Discovering our deepest calling may force us to face our fear of failure or shame. Owning our darkest side may force us to face our vulnerability. Better to project it onto another person, group or nation. Better to idealize someone else so we can maintain complacency and comfort.

As I began this journey of self-awareness, I intuitively knew I was onto something that would change my life if I let it. This gut feeling was validated when I came across some extraordinary texts in my Theology studies.

These ancient codices were discovered in an earthenware jar in Egypt in 1947. The collection included an astonishing number of texts that dated back to 50 C.E. They were written before the gospels that are currently in the New Testament Christian scriptures. They include gospels, dialogues and conversations attributed to Jesus and his disciples.

I read in one of them the following:

Knock upon yourself as upon a door, and walk upon yourself as a straight road. For if you walk on that path, you cannot go astray; and when you knock on that door, what you open for yourself shall open. Let the one who seeks, not stop seeking until he finds. When he finds, he shall be troubled. When he becomes troubled, he will be amazed, and shall come to transcend all things.

Another said:

Jesus said, “If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.

Interestingly enough, Carl Jung never saw these texts when he insisted on the transformational power of “shadow work.”

Opening our hearts to others’ path first requires that we open our hearts and look compassionately at ourselves. This is the territory of good psychology.

Next, we let go and surrender old ways that have become a burden. This is where psychology ends, and spirituality begins. This is conscious living and we draw less from the murky waters of “what people think” and we nourish ourselves from the life giving waters of the soul. There may not be as much certainty, but rest assured, you will not go away thirsty.

A New Reality Show

Have you seen the shows or the ads for “The Bachelor” or any of the other reality shows in which women use television to choose the person with whom they will spend the rest of their lives? They have similar tag lines-”I’m independent/goal oriented/confident/powerful.” Some brag, “I’m a bitch.”

In a country that is in desperate need for the feminine values of community, connectedness and constructive dialogue, grown women ruthlessly compete and tear one another apart in the name of true love.

Is this what women worked so hard to achieve? Is there another way of expressing feminine power that is not cookie cutter cuteness or ruthless competitiveness? What are the life giving feminine gifts that need to be expressed by men AND women?

Balancing the Scales

Western culture is deeply rooted in important masculine values of competition, achievement and reward by merit. As women began to find their voices during the women’s movement, they knew they must express their inherent masculine traits in order to succeed in the world of business, politics, education and religion.

Yet, as we witness the current socio-political climate and the popularity of reality television, we become more aware of the desperate need to integrate feminine values in order to balance the scales. Ancient traditions insist that the health of a human individual and the health of a culture are determined by how well these two are balanced and fully integrated. A skew in any direction harms.

Look at the list below and ask yourself, how are the scales tipped in Western culture? How are they tipped in your own life?

Masculine Gifts		Feminine Gifts
Assertiveness		Receptivity
External movement and action-Doing		Stillness within-Being
Thinking/Reason		Feeling
Individualism		Communion/Nurturing
Competition		Cooperation/Compassion
Authoritarian		Openness/Dialogue
Pride		Humility
Strength		Vulnerability
Aggression		Nonviolent resistance

It might help to ask yourself a few questions:

• Do you feel more comfortable telling people you are busy and stressed or that you spent the afternoon reading a favorite book?
• Does your local school publicly recognize the spirit of competition in equal measure to the spirit of compassion and cooperation?
• Are work, religious and volunteer organizations hierarchically authoritarian or do they operate in openly with diverse opinions freely expressed and respected?
• Do you see more bumper stickers that express pride or ones that express humility for such unbelievable abundance?
• Is human emotion and feeling given the same weight as reason in political/business/educational/religious and familial decision making?
• Are you more comfortable expressing strength or vulnerability?
• Do you think there is more power in aggression or nonviolent resistance (not passivity and weakness)?

Now here is the big awareness exercise-did you feel defensive or annoyed as you read the questions?

When I first did this exercise, I realized how my individual consciousness was so immersed in my cultural consciousness that I felt defensive for my blatantly masculine bias! I realized that I had bought into the fallacy of the opposite alternative: either I am rational and reasonable or I am a mushy puddle of uncontrollable emotions. I will be pulverized if I empower myself to express feminine wisdom. Not true.

Receptive listening requires far greater courage than reactive aggression or dominating exhortation. Listening deeply to another’s experience may require us to surrender or yield which exposes our human vulnerability. Truly frightening!

A Revolution of the Heart

As we decry the divisive political climate, the debasing of the human spirit on reality shows or the general lack of constructive communitarian dialogue, we can take the opportunity to step back and assess what we need to learn from these unfolding events.

Perhaps we are called to wake up and pay attention to what our lives are saying: Balance the scales… now. Our communities, our countries and our souls are starving for an infusion of feeling, a spirit of cooperation, and a climate of openness to others’ life experience.

Our individual spirits are crying for inward stillness to silence the cacophony of mindless demands on our time. Our young people are starving for meaning beyond the next competition and feather in their cap-we can show them the way. We can affirm the value of the feminine gifts of connectedness, compassion and humility.

But first, we are called to reclaim these gifts within ourselves. We begin by opening our hearts to the full range of human feeling. Reading the newspaper becomes an exercise in compassion rather than judgment.

We say “no” to news programs in which anchors literally foam at the mouth with partisan bluster. We resist the enticing allure of shows that showcase greed and vicious backbiting. We support programs that celebrate the best of the human spirit.

We teach our children to reach for the stars and then stand firmly on the ground with humility and gratitude for their gifts. We teach them that self-esteem must always be balanced by selflessness.

When we assertively speak our minds for our cause, we focus on the issue and avoid personal attacks. We listen to other perspectives that express an experience different from ours. When we err, we make amends.

It’s countercultural to affirm this revolution of the heart. A great teacher once said, “Determine the truth of the teaching by the fruits of its message.”

Here’s a test to determine the veracity of this revolution:

As you watched the Olympics, who touched your heart? The talented U.S. basketball team who arrogantly proclaimed their dominance? Or Michael Phelps, multiple gold medal swimmer and outstanding competitor who gave up his position in the relay to allow another swimmer to win his first gold?

This simple act conveyed a beautiful masculine/feminine balance of competition and cooperation.

Phelps taught us that balance is humanly possible. And even better, it was a reality show that sent our hearts soaring.

Dinner and Dissent

Remember the childhood civics lessons when we learned the importance of casting our vote? We learned of other countries who were not given the right to vote and we were soberly reminded of our responsibilities as citizens to stay informed.

My mother took this all very seriously. She would bring articles to the dinner table and we would debate the issues over creamed carrots and meat loaf. Unlike some of my siblings, I relished the opportunity to express my opinions. The Watergate break-in-was Nixon involved? Do you think he should he resign?

Remember the “generation gap”-what about these kids today-long sideburns, smoking grass, slouchy postures (my mother was very concerned about posture). Never trust anyone over 30-yes or no? And what about Edward Muskie crying? Whaddya think about that one?

I loved listening to my parents wax philosophical about the pressing contemporary issues. Similarly, when I would sit in high school history class, I had such fun sparring with the classmates who shared the rush of a new idea or a strongly held conviction. Kind of makes me wonder if I annoyed the bejeezums out of the more reticent, harmonious types.

As I watch the conventions, I realize I am not having fun anymore. Is it more divisive now? Or, do the issues feel more urgent now that we are grownups? Or, are we acutely aware of the harm we cause when we make an enemy out of anyone who thinks differently than us? Perhaps all three. I rarely talk to someone who says, “I love politics-those folks sure are honest.”

I am struck by the political opportunism from both parties. Speakers, pundits and folks on the street cut and paste snippets of the truth and present them in a carefully crafted statement that supports the preferred point of view.

The same division happens in religious circles. Religious fundamentalism abounds. My way or the highway. Philosopher Sam Keen writes, “Charity begins at home. If a belief system doesn’t encourage us to strengthen our bonds with family and friends and to seek a wider community, it is a form of paranoia, not good faith.” How many political fights and wars are rooted in a deep distrust, fear and judgment of those with differing religious backgrounds?

As a kid, did you ever wonder about the incongruence of wars between religions that were supposedly rooted in universal compassionate service, solidarity with all of life, nonviolence, and moral capacity? Religious wars should be an oxymoron.

So how do we discern between gullible belief and responsible belief, and between creative and destructive commitment? How do we engage in constructive dissent?

It always comes back to, “Know thyself.” Recognize when you are projecting your fears or your own power or aggression onto someone else. I have noticed that when I am annoyed with my kids, I am more annoyed with the politicos who don’t share my views. Or, when I am feeling fearful or overwhelmed, I have this knee jerk reaction that we must DO something. All notions of thoughtful reflection go out the door.

Be wary of charismatic leaders who captivate and fascinate you because then, you are a signing onto an ideology that may be more about them than about you. I have learned this one the hard way-I now tend to trust the ones who admit they don’t have all the answers and who can admit to making a mistake. My former Pollyannish stance has been replaced by an increasingly fine tuned political and spiritual b.s. detector.

Become a detached observer and notice when decisiveness becomes obstinacy and narrow mindedness. Or notice when dialogue and listening to all points of view become moral ambiguity and an inability to make a decision.

Be aware of those who abuse power in the name of the cause, the religion or the country. Are challenges, differing opinions, and discussion encouraged or ridiculed? Is the door open when truth comes knocking? Or, do those in power demonize the dissenters and polarize the community in order to maintain their position?

Notice when idols are made out of a doctrine, a book, an ideology, a leader or a country. Admiration and inspiration are one thing-blind devotion that becomes fanaticism is quite another.

In my family of five, we cover the range of the political spectrum. Conversation becomes heated and personality styles display themselves in living Technicolor. We have questioners, peacemakers and idealists. We are learning not to take ourselves too seriously because if we can’t laugh at our own absurdity, we are in big trouble. There will always be time for ridiculous stories and senseless horseplay.

If you have one of those “What will I remember on my deathbed?” ways of looking at the world, you probably know that it is not your political persuasion that will shine on the screen as your life flashes before you.

But we aren’t dead yet, and a head in the sand approach is dangerous at best. Sam Keen writes, “As you make your way through the hazardous paradigm wars of this era, through the chaos of competing myths and belief systems, keep your sense of humor intact, your heart open and your wits about you.” I’ll raise a glass milk to that one. And hold the brussel sprouts.

Cultivating the Stillpoint

Living from the Inside Out

Cultivating the Stillpoint

The Power of Reflective Leadership

Last week I heard some news that is music to my ears.  Ellen Wingard, an executive coach for Fortune 500 companies and member of the Women’s Leadership Board at the JFK School of Government at Harvard University gave a talk last weekend at Harvard on “The Power of Reflective Leadership.”  She says that for 25 years she has been asking women leaders to be quiet. 

In this quiet, this “non-doing,” these women have discovered that “the unifying fusion of action and reflection, (is) producing exceptional results.”     Yes, CEOs, executive teams, university presidents and leading physicians are taking time out, sitting quietly and breathing deeply.

The value of this practice is no surprise.  Many of my clients are business people who love to come into my office, plop down in the chair and begin our time together in stillness and quiet breathing. They walk in, harried, stressed and a jumble of words and ideas.  The stillness never fails to focus their attention so we can have a productive, meaningful hour together. 

Ellen Wingard’s presentation at Harvard gives legitimacy to a simple practice that has been life altering for me and my clients.  The “soft skill” that I have taught to business teams, small groups and individuals, is becoming a leadership necessity.  It is backed by solid research that validates the practice of mindfulness (the practice of living in the present moment allowing us to cultivate an “inner rudder”):

• reduces workplace stress
• reduces anxiety
• enhances immune function
• enhances prefrontal brain activity associated with positive emotions
• alleviates pain
• improves sleep

Wingard writes that

“Workers report higher-order thinking in problem solving and positive shifts in handling workplace stress and negative emotions such as hostility and resentment.  They also identified an increased capacity to express empathy, compassion and gratitude.”

The New York Times recently revealed that workplace stress costs $300 billion in healthcare annually.   Our bodies are giving us a wake up call.  Reflective leaders and workers create more humane workplaces of collaboration, inclusion and purposeful productivity. 

I have coached business owners in the Cincinnati area who have modeled this notion of taking some time to cultivate a stillpoint to increase mindfulness. Mindfulness short circuits the human tendency towards self deception. They practice non-attached self observation. They notice the workplace is an ideal environment to observe their blind spots—and how our blind spots are viewed in living color by our co-workers. They observe their habitual thinking and allow fresh new perspectives. 

I also facilitate many groups that build on the awareness of the power of inner reflection.  Depending on the group, the focus changes.  Yet, I notice that while many women express a desire to join these groups, they simply do not have the time. They are doing all they can to balance their many demands and I hear the frustration in their voices and e-mails.

While I love having meetings in the comfort of people’s homes, I have become increasingly aware of the need to bring these still point communities into the workplace.  It’s a version of “meet people where they are.” 

Some workers express concern that mindfulness is a cult or religion—while Eastern and Western spiritual traditions have a version of these practices, one need not be religious to cultivate mindfulness.  If you want to carry it into your spiritual tradition, you will notice a profound deepening, but it is not necessary.

Workers also worry they will become passive or lose their competitive edge.  Actually, Olympic athletes and the L.A. Lakers use this practice to increase capacity and concentration.  Business people notice an increase in creative thinking because they break out of the box of habitual solutions.  They listen to different perspectives more openly which creates an environment for innovation.  Once executive who came to mindfulness practice after a heart attack acknowledges her practice reveals the following insights:

“I recognize how indispensable I think I am and the fact is my staff and kids actually have done pretty well on their own.  I’ve also lost 15 pounds through exercise and by catching my habit of eating under stress.  I demand a half hour alone time every day at home and am carving that out now.  I am less resentful of everyone and more able to connect.”  This, from a woman, who at the beginning of the program said, “Why do I want to focus time on sitting here breathing?  My staff can’t function without me.  My kids are saying I am killing myself with overwork and I get chest pains yelling at them.”

As we observe our polarized, compartmentalized society, the unethical abuse of corporate power, the reactive finger pointing when something goes wrong, and the high rate of workplace burnout, we know we must create an environment in which we replenish our souls regardless of our belief systems. 

Cultivating a still point takes us beyond stereotypes and builds communities and connections.  Countless members of the women’s groups I facilitate say, “This simple practice has changed how I look at everything.” They still face home and workplace stress—they simply respond differently.  Last week, one member said, “I thought this morning, I have no business coming to this group with this today’s schedule. And then I remembered, my days are always better when I come.” 

The outgrowth of reflective leadership—at work, at home or recreation—is beyond self-renewal and enhanced workplace productivity.  It is an imperative that mends fragmentation and creates atmospheres of fuller engagement, ethical clarity of purpose, and cooperation and collaboration. 

While these insights are revealed and legitimized at Harvard Business School, this is nothing new. Wise sages have known this for centuries.  Lao Tzu wrote,

Empty your mind of thoughts
Let your heart be at peace.

The Master does her job
And then stops.
She understands that the universe
Is forever out of control,
And that trying to dominate the events
Goes against the current
Because she believes in herself
She doesn’t try to convince others,
Because she is content with herself,
She doesn’t need others’ approval
Because she accepts herself,
The world accepts her.

She doesn’t talk, she acts.
When the work is done,
The people say, “Amazing:
We did it, all by ourselves!”

We spend more time at work than with our families, in our places of worship, or in the natural world.  Our souls long for connection and belonging in order to make sense of the world.  We long for moments of stillness, openness and empathy. Leaders, organizations and people who meet this fundamental human need, restore our communities, rejuvenate weary workers, and renew a sense of purpose and meaning in a wounded world. 

Leslie Hershberger, personal and executive coach, uses a background in education, theology and personality systems to facilitate mindfulness, self-awareness and reflective action for individual and groups. 

She is the founder of the Women’s In Between groups of Greater Cincinnati which meet the personal and spiritual needs of women in transition.

She speaks on this topic and others throughout the Greater Cincinnati area.

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