“Thou shalt not fix, save, advise or set each other straight….”

When I first began the Integral Women groups, I encountered the writings of Parker Palmer who wrote “The Courage to Teach” and “Hidden Wholeness.” He introduced me to the notion of “contemplative listening” which radically altered my view of both listening and facilitation. I came across his work today and the synchronicity is remarkable as his words resonate this morning…they are a reminder to me as one who listens and one who deeply values being listened to…Palmer writes:

“The soul is like a wild animal: tough, resilient, savvy, self-sufficient, yet exceedingly shy…

(Listening) practices must honor the nature of the human soul, that place within us where we know the difference between reality and illusion. The soul is like a wild animal: tough, resilient, savvy, self-sufficient, yet exceedingly shy. To see a wild animal, the last thing we should do is crash through the woods, shouting for the creature to come out. But if we walk quietly into the woods and sit silently for an hour or two at the foot of a tree, the creature may well emerge, and out of the corner of an eye we will glimpse the precious wildness we seek.”

Palmer recognizes that when we go through challenging times, we know inside of ourselves there is an answer. Yet it takes time and the quiet witness of a receptive friend to find that place. Which brings him to his next point which was ever so new to me when I encountered it:

“Thou shalt not fix, save, advise, or set each other straight….

Ironically, community falls apart not only when we ignore each other but when we “help” each other. When someone shares a problem, and someone else says exactly what to do about it, neither the person with the problem nor anyone else is willing to be vulnerable again. What the soul wants is not to be fixed or saved but received. Our deepest need is to be seen and heard and held, as we are, without being evaded or invaded. How should we respond to each other if not with fixes and saves? By asking honest, open questions not to satisfy our own curiosity but (in Nelle Morton’s great phrase) to “hear each other into speech,” deeper and deeper speech, so that the speaker might better understand what his or her inner teacher is trying to say.

An honest question is one I ask without knowing the right answer. An open question does not back the other person toward the answer I want to hear. ‘Have you thought about seeing a therapist? is not an honest, open question…”

As I read this piece the first time, I took a deep breath as I realized the truth of it. How many times do we try to “fix, advise or save?” How often do we long to have someone simply listen? How often do we simply want someone who can hold a space for whatever we are experiencing as WE experience it…in our own unique way?

He writes that “soul-truths do not yield to the headlong or headstrong approaches favored by academics and “can-do” leaders.” Rather, they come from inside of ourselves when given ample time to simmer.

This feels uncomfortable for a listener because as we listen to the vulnerability of another, we encounter spaces inside of ourselves hidden from our awareness…we encounter our own vulnerability and our own realization we don’t have all the answers for ourselves or others. Scary stuff…to see self in other and accept all aspects of this self as part of the complex, bundle of paradoxes inside each of us.

Finally, Palmer writes, “Contemplation, rightly understood, does not plunge us into a pit of narcissism but returns us to the needs of the world with clarity and commitment. A receptive listener provides witness to our discovery of inner truth.”

No fixing. No advising. No saving. A simple receptive presence…