Your Unlived Life and the Shadow
Some time ago, I had lunch with two women who had much success in their field. One facilitated large groups in a corporate setting and another had a radio show in which she interviewed interesting people in diverse fields. Both were published authors. I noticed I was annoyed with their self-assurance. I was aware I was envious that they had not given up their careers to raise a family so they were firmly established in their line of work. I also became embarrassingly aware that my response was to put on a mask of being “spiritual” as if that would give me a sort of “one up” on them. I questioned their authenticity even as I hid mine.
As I got into my car and took a deep breath, I began to have a sense I was in “shadow” territory.
What is the Shadow?
The shadow is the part of ourselves we hide, repress, deny, rationalize. It is a container for the aspects of ourselves we judge as unacceptable or unworthy. For some of us, we have a side of ourselves that feels weak or needy, for others it might be controlling or angry, and for others it might be lazy and apathetic. Most of us have all these shadow qualities.
And, we are certain if we think positively and ignore these qualities, we will be loving, peaceful and enlightened or strong, capable and in control…masters of our destiny.
Yet, the shadow shows up in all sorts of clever disguises. We soon find ourselves around people who mirror our shadow; they draw forth the unsavory feelings inside of ourselves by pushing our buttons and reactivating unresolved anger, fear or pain.
Or, we may have dreams which reveal surprising characters playing unacknowledged shadow characteristics. I know a rather calm person who has dreams of anger and violence; she also finds her dreams populated by animals who symbolize power and aggression. Dreams tend to take us to hidden places in our psyche.
The shadow also shows up in the qualities of another person who pushes our buttons. For instance, you may notice you are triggered by a person who plays the victim. Shadow work invites you to consider: “In what area in your life are you being served by playing a victim role?” Until you develop a sense of compassion and acceptance for the victim inside of you, it will continue to play out in your life as old emotional wounds are reactivated.
Embracing the Shadow
Debbie Ford writes: “The process of embracing our shadow side calls us to uncover the gifts and receive the wisdom hidden within each and every aspect of ourselves, particularly the ones that we are ashamed of or embarrassed by.
Rather than viewing our weakness, our smallness, our insecurities or our rage as enemies or as obstacles to moving forward in our lives, this process guides us to embrace our so-called defects as the powerful teachers that they are.”
The universe is a mirror of our own consciousness. Shadow work is an opportunity for compassion and acceptance of self and other. When we accept these rejected aspects of ourselves, we are more accepting of them in another. Furthermore, the rejected aspects of ourselves become vehicles of our own transformation.
Shadow work releases tension because we free up creative energy when we stop hiding from ourselves and others. We may loosen individual and cultural constraints of well worn paths as we chart our own. Or, we may deepen intimacy as we are less defended; integrating the shadow self softens defensiveness.
With some reflection, I began to realize the women at lunch were mirrors of my unlived life. I had stayed home with my children for 13 years and had insisted it was a good decision. Yet, I’d never allowed myself to feel the loss that comes with the choice to stay home: the sense of a separate identity, the income, the book I hadn’t written, the use of talents or energies that tend not to be exercised at home.
My first instinct was to revert to the timeworn sayings about motherhood and the grace in decision I’d made to stay home, but I could feel the defensiveness in this position. I knew this because I noticed I was a bit smug about my decision. With time, I allowed myself to feel the loss that comes with giving up one’s profession. I found myself valuing the spectrum of choices for women and men as they balance personal and professional lives. I recognized the pragmatic element of people’s decisions. The judgment disappeared and I grew to accept my own decisions and the inherent gifts and challenges.
I also began to discover an aspect of myself that was overly self-assured as I’d judged the women to be. I know when I act “overly self-assured,” it is a mask for my own uncertainty and fear. I also noticed ways in which my body reveals this pattern: accelerated speech, interrupting, a hardness in my throat.
These two women also helped me focus my attention on the work that matters to me. My envy was a clue to the realization I tended to resist “putting myself out there” in the work that is so important to me. I recognized my fear of criticism. Bringing this to consciousness invited me to “feel the fear and do it anyway.”
I often wonder what another lunch would be like if I encountered them today. I would be deceiving myself if I assumed I’d fully integrated the shadow elements these women mirrored for me. Yet, even as I consider them now, I have more of a sense of lightness and even some humor about it all. Shadow work has freed up a reserve of energy which has enabled me to move into a career I love.
It can be helpful to explore with others who are also looking at shadow. If you are feeling a call to travel this journey of integration, know you are welcome to our Integral Women group, “Romancing the Shadow” this fall on Thursday mornings.