My son and I were talking today about our frustration with discussions in these polarized times. We both shared how we hold some perspectives that would be considered “liberal” and some that would be considered “conservative.”  He likes to dig deeper into perspectives. He will change his mind if you offer a good argument.  We both are animated and to some, can be overly passionate.  

This video rocks as it explores the notion of 21st century enlightenment.  Social empathy and a more socially embedded model of autonomy that doesn’t repudiate the rights of the individual is one of the markers 21st c. enlightenment.  

Favorite quotes:

“What enhances and what diminishes our empathic capacity?   We might look, for example at the way popular culture popular culture inclines us to think of other people for example distinguish between the healthy activity of public disagreement vs. the unhealthy habit of public disparagement.”

Disagreement healthy. Disparagement unhealthy.  It’s a good baseline.  

Another:

Successfully functioning in society with its diverse values, traditions and lifestyles requires us to have a relationship with our reactions rather than be captive of them to resist our tendency to make Right or True that which is merely familiar and Wrong or False that which is only strange. 

My sister tells me she has a neighbor say, “That’s weird” to any idea that might invite her to put one toenail outside the box.  Different. Strange. Those people.  That book or movie. That performer. Now, Neighbor of My Sister’s…what might that say about YOU?

Here’s the good news…empathy increases when you look inside yourself and develop a relationship to your habitual reactions.  I remember teaching meditation and an interior reflection to a woman’s group.  One of the women said, “Meditation and all this self-awareness stuff is selfish.”  

Research shows the opposite.  You actually become more empathic.

Self-awareness reigns.   

As many of you know, I am a certified teacher of the Enneagram, an outstanding system for self-understanding based on nine personality types. Rather than put you in a box, awareness of your Enneatype breaks you out of your box by helping you overcome barriers to well-being. It identifies gifts and challenges of each type, communication style, leadership style, parenting style, and stressors. Awareness of your type and others’ type improves personal and professional relationships.

Geoff, a client of mine, recently said, “When we first started our coaching, I was pretty skeptical when you told me to watch my thoughts, habits and feelings. I mean, I asked you to help me grow my business, and you were talking about watching my thought patterns! Now, I see that awareness is everything!

A Six on the Enneagram, he began to notice the subtle ways he held himself back from achieving his goals. He watched his doubting mind and was surprised by what he observed. When we would develop an action plan for building his business in a coaching session, he noticed the ways he began to doubt it before he got back in his car. His habit of mind focuses on worst case scenarios and he comes up with a litany of reasons why the plan won’t work. In the past, he would have procrastinated, cancelled an appointment (withdrawal, common when a Six feels stress), or he may have conveyed his anxiety to his clients as he moved forward.

With a little awareness and some simple strategies, he has been able to see through these thought patterns. When he begins to doubt an action, he now checks in with himself. Is this a legitimate concern? Does he have corroborating evidence to back up this worst case scenario? More often than not, he has discovered that actual evidence is in short supply. What are some positive outcomes, he asks himself. Positive scenarios are a challenge for him to envision, so we have done some relaxation exercises in order to loosen his resistance.

His change in a short time has been remarkable. His willingness to roll up his sleeves and work hard serves him well. If Sixes support an action, they are dedicated hard workers. I have to occasionally remind him of his progress as he tends to have amnesia when it comes to the goals he has achieved.

I recently listened to the story of a Three, the Performer on the Enneagram, who spent a week in silent retreat. This woman, whose entire worldview insists that one must be constantly busy, task and goal-oriented, and productive to have any inherent value, spent a week alone. She noticed things she had never noticed before. Simple things like the rushing of a creek, the soulful song of a mourning dove, and the blue of a winter sky moved her to tears.

She had missed the serenity of a day spent in nature as she ran from goal to goal. She expressed surprise that people seem to enjoy this more authentic version of herself. She still works hard in her job, but she makes her way through the world with a heart that has opened.

These stories illustrate the power of self-awareness. Daniel Goleman insists that self-awareness is THE critical Emotional Intelligence competency. Social and personal competence begins with self-confidence, emotional awareness and an ability to accurately self-assess. The Enneagram is unsurpassed in assisting us in making some honest assessments of our strengths and weaknesses.

The key is cultivating a strong Inner Observer. What is an Inner Observer, you may ask. Try this: Take three deep, slow breaths, close your eyes and count your thoughts for one minute. Who is doing the counting? The Inner Observer. The Inner Observer, a neutral, observing self, can witness the patterns that keep you stuck. It shoots holes in your limited worldview.

It “outs” your debilitating patterns that keeps you stuck in repetitive conflicts, self-defeating behaviors, and in fear of change.

If you are a One, it busts your assumption that you, your co-workers, your children and your spouse must constantly strive toward perfection to find a measure of serenity.

If you are a Two, it “outs” your insistence that you have no needs of your own and that self-care is selfish. It knows that you do not have to give until you are drained in order to get the love and care you need.

If you are a Three, your observer knows that you are NOT only as good as your last accomplishment. You are a human being, not a “human doing.” Love can come even when you are not the star. Those who truly love you, love you-not your role

If you are a Four, your observer shoots a hole in your belief that you will be rejected or slighted by others. Intensity of feelings is the juice that revs your engines, but with some self-awareness, you find a measure of peace in balance and equanimity.

If you are a Five, your observer notices how you detach from others and hide behind a world of intellect and ideas, covering your warmth and compassion. The observer knows you will not be swallowed up when you allow yourself to experience your feelings.

If you are a Six, your observer knows that underneath your fear and doubt in yourself and others, lies extraordinary courage and loyalty. The observer will help you shift your attention from worst case thinking to realistic assessment of situations as they arise.

If you are a Seven, your observer reveals your fear of boredom, pain and limitations. When you allow yourself to slow down, and pay attention to the present moment rather than escaping to the next exciting plan, you discover the joy, depth and fulfillment that comes with commitment.

If you are an Eight, your observer busts your need for power and control and your insistence that this world is unjust and unfair-it allows you to soften to your own vulnerability knowing that you will always be a strong presence who is grounded in what is true.

If you are a Nine, your observer sees the subtle ways you forget yourself by caring for everyone’s agenda but your own. It begins to notice the way you passively-aggressively express your anger with stubbornness and quiet resistance. It calls you home to your own position-those who care will support you as you maintain your boundaries and express your own ideas.

Below are some suggested books and web pages to help you determine your type. Work with the suggestions and do the practices. Reading a book is just a beginning. A well done workshop is even better. Yet, if you stop there, the insights will fade. Change comes with daily action.

www.authenticenneagram.com
www.internationalenneagram.org

The Enneagram by Helen Palmer
The Essential Enneagram by David Daniels
Bringing Out the Best in Yourself at Work by Ginger Lapid Bogda
The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson

Do the suggested awareness practices given to you by the book, web page or your executive/personal coach. Notice your resistance. (I worked with a client who was not sure she was a One. I asked her to make a deliberate mistake once a day for a week. She came in to the next session laughing-”Okay, okay I’m a perfectionist. I had so much anxiety, it was unbelievable. I think I am finally making a connection with my colitis and my perfectionism. My husband said I was uptight and I thought something was wrong with him!”) Her next assignment consisted of enjoying a day without any self-improvement agenda-enjoyment for enjoyment’s sake. Even as she enjoyed her day, her observer noticed the guilt that crept into her awareness).

If you feel like you need a partner to help you get “unstuck,” work with a trained, competent coach who will help you notice what you cannot see because of your limited filter. A coach is a partner who can help you stay focused and on track, make desired changes, and hold you accountable to an action plan. A coach observes patterns that keep you stuck and assists you in developing self -awareness so you act with intention instead of reacting on autopilot.

Take time for a retreat. I receive countless notices about retreats in our area that are geared towards personal and/or spiritual renewal and transformation. I know many of the teachers and they are competent, dedicated professionals.

Develop a relaxation, meditation and/or contemplative prayer practice. Can we cultivate self-awareness if we can’t take a moment to slow down and reflect? There are a number of books, tapes and teachers to assist you. Stress is the number reason for doctor visits-your mind, body and spirit are wonderful teachers reminding us that we are human BEINGS, not human DOINGS. Whoever thought of the idea of Sabbath was onto something.

If you are interested in learning more about the Enneagram, attend an introductory workshop, or a more advance one if you have been working with the Enneagram. Cincinnati has one of the highest per capita of Enneagram teachers in the world! We have a supportive and collaborative community. There are a number of executive/personal coaches, teachers, spiritual directors, counselors and ministers who are trained in this system.

Some day is now. We spend endless time and money on activities and things-computers, TV, new clothes, better bodies, better hair, better houses. We run ourselves, our children ragged and we feel restless when we stop for a moment to experience the sacred life that lies right in the moment. Richard Rohr says, “We are a circumference people with little access to the center. We live on the boundaries of our lives, confusing edges with essence, too quickly claiming the superficial as substance.” We usually wait until suffering, loss, depression, or grief to pay attention to the essence of our lives. Life calls us today and every day. Some day is now.

When I first began the Integral Women groups, I encountered the writings of Parker Palmer who wrote “The Courage to Teach” and “Hidden Wholeness.” He introduced me to the notion of “contemplative listening” which radically altered my view of both listening and facilitation. I came across his work today and the synchronicity is remarkable as his words resonate this morning…they are a reminder to me as one who listens and one who deeply values being listened to…Palmer writes:

“The soul is like a wild animal: tough, resilient, savvy, self-sufficient, yet exceedingly shy…

(Listening) practices must honor the nature of the human soul, that place within us where we know the difference between reality and illusion. The soul is like a wild animal: tough, resilient, savvy, self-sufficient, yet exceedingly shy. To see a wild animal, the last thing we should do is crash through the woods, shouting for the creature to come out. But if we walk quietly into the woods and sit silently for an hour or two at the foot of a tree, the creature may well emerge, and out of the corner of an eye we will glimpse the precious wildness we seek.”

Palmer recognizes that when we go through challenging times, we know inside of ourselves there is an answer. Yet it takes time and the quiet witness of a receptive friend to find that place. Which brings him to his next point which was ever so new to me when I encountered it:

“Thou shalt not fix, save, advise, or set each other straight….

Ironically, community falls apart not only when we ignore each other but when we “help” each other. When someone shares a problem, and someone else says exactly what to do about it, neither the person with the problem nor anyone else is willing to be vulnerable again. What the soul wants is not to be fixed or saved but received. Our deepest need is to be seen and heard and held, as we are, without being evaded or invaded. How should we respond to each other if not with fixes and saves? By asking honest, open questions not to satisfy our own curiosity but (in Nelle Morton’s great phrase) to “hear each other into speech,” deeper and deeper speech, so that the speaker might better understand what his or her inner teacher is trying to say.

An honest question is one I ask without knowing the right answer. An open question does not back the other person toward the answer I want to hear. ‘Have you thought about seeing a therapist? is not an honest, open question…”

As I read this piece the first time, I took a deep breath as I realized the truth of it. How many times do we try to “fix, advise or save?” How often do we long to have someone simply listen? How often do we simply want someone who can hold a space for whatever we are experiencing as WE experience it…in our own unique way?

He writes that “soul-truths do not yield to the headlong or headstrong approaches favored by academics and “can-do” leaders.” Rather, they come from inside of ourselves when given ample time to simmer.

This feels uncomfortable for a listener because as we listen to the vulnerability of another, we encounter spaces inside of ourselves hidden from our awareness…we encounter our own vulnerability and our own realization we don’t have all the answers for ourselves or others. Scary stuff…to see self in other and accept all aspects of this self as part of the complex, bundle of paradoxes inside each of us.

Finally, Palmer writes, “Contemplation, rightly understood, does not plunge us into a pit of narcissism but returns us to the needs of the world with clarity and commitment. A receptive listener provides witness to our discovery of inner truth.”

No fixing. No advising. No saving. A simple receptive presence…

All is not well…

I’ve an inner tension when it comes to politics, religion and human suffering. There is a part of myself that feels called to be in solidarity with suffering of others by DOing something…to be one of a million voices speaking, “This isn’t right…injustice abounds and this is NOT okay.”

Ringing in my ear, I hear the voices of the prophets who are not alright with the state of the world. 

What do you do when you see a social injustice?  What do you do when nature buries villages under water?  What is your response when someone you love experiences a debilitating illness or you witness the death of a young person from a disease with no cure?  Do you rally for science to work her magic to prevent insidious afflictions and loss?

What about our insides?  We’re an inner holy mess.  I’m a teacher and student of the Enneagram and witness countless obstacles to Love and think, “The inner Work is a life long practice..keep working.”

The Work requires examining obstacles to Love which can be patterns of personality or untested assumptions about other groups of people we consider to be outside of our in group.

These are moments I can feel my heart breaking, moments when I’m angry at our ignorance, moments when I want to curse the proverbial heavens as I shake my fist.

All is well….

Then, there is this other experience of an Inner Knowing that all is well. That there is a sort of divine order in things and that there is an Absolute Reality out of which all suffering, chaos, joy, beauty arise.

A Big Heart and Big Mind hold a container for all that is and is not in this world made manifest.

That there is a holy perfection in the chaos and suffering that cultivates awakening and births deeper love. There are moments in meditation when there is an expansive quality…an interconnectedness to past, present and future and all that it holds…there is a timelessness in these moments…no need to DO anything.

Compassion arises without our help or willfulness.

In these times, we don’t have to work to understand another or change anything for there is an “is-ness” in all perspectives.

All is NOT well and all IS well is an ongoing paradox.

As a child of the U.S. where fixing messed up shit is what we do, this unresolvable paradox causes me no small measure of consternation. I’ve often thought this inner tension is mirrored by my practice of Buddhism and Christianity.

Jesus and the Buddha both speak to me. Both have provided a template for spiritual practice and transformation.

Buddhist teaching tends to privilege the notion that all is well and that we are swimming in a sea of illusion and the suffering in the world is a mirror of the suffering we create inside of limited minds.

Sit at the feet of Buddhist teachers and witness the scales of individual and collective ignorance fall like leaves in autumn. 

On the other hand, Christian teaching tends to privilege the the directive to Love one another which requires concrete acts of service and care.  When I asked Ken Wilber about Christianity’s contribution to the integral map of consciousness he responded, “Christianity is the only tradition whose prime directive if to Love.”  Contemplation births this remembrance.  

Contemplation births compassionate action.  Visit contemporary temples of suffering and compassion…developing countries, hospices, homeless shelters….find countless Christians responding.

Buddhism and Christianity: each inform the other and my path has been circuitous because of this paradox.

So, imagine the “aha” when I stumbled upon this clip. Ken Wilber once again illuminates the nose on our face. 

If your time is limited, fast forward to 4:48.

If you’ve no time to watch, here’s the abridged version:

Suffering…

As you awaken: 

1. It hurts you more; and

2. It bothers you less. 

The Christ figure is an archetype of the first and the Buddha figure is an archetype of the second.

Integral spirituality weaves these and other traditions in a divine matrix and an unsolvable paradox.  

Amen.

Om.

Type Nine—Mediator, Peacemaker, Collaborator

Where attention goes: to other people’s/group’s positions, priorities, actions and conversations

• Do you resist/avoid conflict to the point of delaying decision making or taking a position?
• Do you tend to be affable and accepting?
• Are you a natural mediator, able to see many sides of an issue or point of view and able to help friends and colleagues resolve their differences?
• Does your anger tend to be delayed, almost surprising you when a week or two later, you realize that something bothered you more than you knew?
• Do you tend to be easily distracted with other activities, especially when you have something important to do?
• Do find yourself saying that everything is fine even when you are bothered or annoyed?
• Do you ever feel like your anger “went to sleep” and then you find yourself exploding which surprises others?
• Do you have a side of yourself that can be goal oriented, assertive and independent with a desire to invest your time in worthwhile pursuits that mean a lot to you?
• Have you been told you are self-effacing to the point of dismissing/erasing your valuable input and contributions?
• When things get overwhelming or you are forced to take an action, do you find yourself becoming doubtful and pessimistic?
• Do you tend to be unpretentious and practical?
• Do you find yourself using short, familiar sayings or quotes to deflect uncomfortable conversations?
• Do you find yourself avoiding/denying the paradoxes, tensions or darker side of life in order to maintain your comfort?
• Have you ever been told that your grounded manner has a calming influence on people?
• Have you ever noticed that you have a quiet strength that reassures others that things will be okay?

If you answered “yes” to most of these questions, you may be a Nine. Read more about type Nine in the suggested resources to determine if you think this is your style.

Type Eight—Boss, Protector, Leader

Where attention goes: to assessing what and who has power, to control, action and assertiveness

• Are you direct, assertive and straightforward? 
• Do you place a high value on honest, dependability and truth? 
• Is it easy for you to express anger when you feel something needs to be said?
• Do you have a difficult time tolerating weakness in other people?e
• Do you tend to be excessive in your pursuits?
• Do you find that you end up being the leader and in charge?
• Do you prefer to be your own person—individual and nonconforming?
• Do you quickly defend and come to the aid of family, friends, colleagues and others who you feel are being treated unfairly?
• Do you have an almost intuitive ability to determine when someone is not telling the truth or behaving manipulatively?
• Do you have a vulnerable and soft side that many people might not know about?
• Do tend to have trust for people who can hold their ground in an argument?
• Have you ever been told you approach life excessively or in an “all or nothing” way?
• When you tire of challenges, strong positions and power struggles, do you become reclusive and emotionally withdraw in order to strategize and assess the right course of action?
• Do you prefer control over your space, physical possessions, and people in your life?
• Are you a resourceful self-starter, preferring to take action on your own initiative?

If you answered “yes” to most of these questions, you may be a Eight. You also may be another type, so read on.

Type Seven—Enthusiast, Epicure, Visionary

Where attention goes: to planning for pleasurable possibilities, multiple options

• Are you a big picture thinker who likes to put different ideas together in an interesting synthesis?
• Are you an optimistic person who brings energy to interesting projects and people?
• Do you have a hard time sticking with a task if it becomes boring, unchallenging, or unrewarding?
• Do you feel like a day is so full of possibilities and ideas that it is hard to put all of them into action?
• Do you tend to line up activities back to back?
• Do you have a quiet, bookish side that some may not know about?
• Are you able to distract yourself from sad feelings with a new idea, friend, project, phone call or activity?
• Do you get impatient and frustrated if someone obstructs your plans or tells you “no?”
• Do you like to share what you believe to be interesting and compelling stories and ideas with others?
• Do you prefer a work situation in which the authority and support staff are equals and resist situations where there are enforced hierarchies?
• Do you sometimes realize you have hurt another’s feelings as you have shared an interesting story or anecdote?
• Do you let go of anger and grievances faster than most people you know?
• Do you tend to have positive memories of the past and even if things are sad or bad, decide, “I won’t let it get me down and depressed?”
• When you are sad or blue, is there a sort of manic quality about your sadness?
• Do you sometimes feel superior and other times feel very inferior?
• Do you have a positive vision for how the world could be?
• During meditation, do you find your mind constantly going to plans for the future?

If you answered “yes” to most of these questions, you may be a Seven. You also may be another type, so read on.

Type Six—Loyalist, Questioner, Skeptic, Devils Advocate

Where attention goes: to the worst case scenario, to doubt in order to be prepared.

• Do you feel a strong sense of duty to a group, cause or person?
• Are you a good troubleshooter who has a sixth sense for what could go wrong in a situation or project?
• Are you responsible to people and commitments?
• Do you have a strong ability to persevere especially under challenging circumstances?
• Do you notice that your mind is often finely tuned with a real strong ability to be insightful?
• Do you appreciate clarity and dislike ambiguity?
• Has your tendency to worry and imagine a worst case scenario often led to procrastination on tasks that feel as if they might go wrong?
• Have you noticed that you focus on the behavior of authority figures and whether or not you trust them?
• Have you found that you either comply or challenge authority figures more often than most?
• Do you find yourself wondering about the motives of others and whether or not they can be trusted?
• Have you been told or noticed that you have a strong sense of loyalty to a group?
• Do you find that your tendency to thoroughly analyze all possible scenarios often leads to a sort of paralysis in action and forward movement?
•  Have you noticed that you are unusually calm when things actually go wrong because you have been imagining the scenario in your head for a period of time?
• Do you especially identify with underdog causes or people?
• Have you been told you have a funny, offbeat and/or sharp wit?
• Do you tend to be a good strategic thinker?

If you answered “yes” to most of these questions, you may be a Six.You also may be another type, so read on.

Type Five—Observer, Thinker, Investigator

Where attention goes: Disengaging from feelings in order to observe, to what may demand my time, energy and resources.

• Are you focused on facts, analysis and knowledge?
• Do you find that feelings are best experienced when you are alone in order to sort them out safely?
• Are you often good in crisis because of your ability to separate from the emotions of the moment?
• Are you fascinated with information in your fields of interest?
• Do you need more time alone than most in order to recharge your batteries?
• Do you tend to value self-control (almost to a fault)?
• Is predictability important to you in order to ensure you know what will happen ahead of time?
• Do you tend to compartmentalize your relationships in which people from one area of interest know little or nothing about the people in another area of your interest? (ie. College friends may know nothing about work friends who know nothing about sporting friends)
• Are you often overwhelmed by the emotional demands of loved ones and/or significant people in your life?
• Do you tend to perceive things about the world that others ignore giving you some deep insights?
• Do you have an unusual ability to concentrate on a task to the point of being oblivious to anything happening around you?
• Do you tend to prefer communicating by e-mail, letters, or memos so you can limit face to face interactions?
• Do you have a sort of hidden side of yourself that aggressively drives, curses referees, or condemns stupid politicians, TV anchors and talk show hosts?
• Are your ideas so complex that you sometimes lose others as you try to convey these thoughts?
• Do you tend to be impatient and/or critical with people who cannot understand things as deeply or quickly as you?