Rejoice in your growth, in which you naturally can take no one with you, and be kind to those who remain behind, and be sure and calm before them and do not torment them with your doubts and do not frighten them with Your confidence or joy, which they could not understand.

Seek yourself some sort of simple and loyal community with them, which need not necessarily change as you yourself become different and again different; love in them life in an unfamiliar form and be considerate of aging people, who fear that being-alone in which you trust. 

Avoid contributing material to the drama that is always stretched taut between parents and children; it uses up much of the children’s energy and consumes the love of their elders, which is effective and warming even if it does not comprehend.

Ask no advice from them and count upon no understanding; but believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance and trust that in this love there is a strength and a blessing, out beyond which you do not have to step in order to go very far!…..But Your solitude will be a hold and home for you even amid very unfamiliar conditions and from there you will find all your ways…

Rainer Marie Rilke

We’ve a need to blame and a desire for revenge when we’re hurt.   I see this in myself and I see how easily I repeat family patterns which cause me to try to get from others what they are incapable of giving me due to their emotional imprinting.  Childhood lasts a lifetime.  

We’ve needy little selves who create drama whenever someone mirrors some past memory that we never quite got around to integrating.  I’ve a rather predictable story and I’m usually cast in the starring role of Martyr.  

I’m finally finding my way to peace and it’s through the simple (albeit occasionally annoying) act of not judging the damn thing.  Loving the Martyr, forgiving the Martyr, not trying to change, fix, advise, save or understand the Martyr.  Love. When I do it, I feel a pop inside of me.

But then I run into a glitch.  It’s you.  You hurt me.  You let me down. You were arrogant and righteous. You didn’t cop to your part in this drama which in my Martyr playbook looks something like a lack of support.

So, I try something I learned when I used to say my prayers at night.  I can’t seem to get there on my own.   I ask for help in forgiving you and forgiving myself.   And, wonder of wonders, it works.  I’m humbled.  It cuts through my righteousness, my arrogance and my need for you ‘fess up. In his book, The Presence Process, Michael Brown writes that

“Prayer is a tool for neutralizing arrogance and gaining an awareness of peace….forgiveness can’t be forced nor accomplished mechanically because it’s ‘the right thing to do.’ So, this is why we humbly get down on our knees and ask whatever we understand our source to be an assist in this matter…by asking for assistance in this matter, we dismantle the fortress of arrogance and neutralize the venom of anger.”

By god, he’s right.

Sometimes I find it a challenge to teach about this triad through the written word because not only does language can fall short, but we also have minimal cultural proficiency with accessing our “felt sense” or what is sometimes called our somatic awareness.  I’ve found the best teaching is through exercises that offer an experience.  So, with that caveat, I’ll do my best (with the help of Zuercher) to offer some insight.  

This triad often experiences life as a struggle so issues of power, control, boundaries and space tend to be themes.  There is a sort of ongoing struggle between standing in the inner world and the outer world.  Each seems to require something different. Surrender can be difficult as it implies a sense of being overwhelmed or what some in this triad say, “annihilated.”  So, there can be a tendency to judge, criticize and perfect in order to gain some sense of control and even moreso, a sense of re.  In a given situation, they have an almost instinctive, “yes, this,” “no, not that,” or sometimes, especially with the 9 space, a sense of ambivalence.  (One One tells me “Trying to come up with the best answer/response creates ambivalence).  Thus, their attraction/avoidance dance is one of obedience/defiance…I WILL/I WON’T. 

Considerations in Contemplative Practice for Body Types

Emotions are felt instinctively and can feel overwhelming so there is a sort of shutting them down almost as fast as they arise so there are a lot of unprocessed emotions carried and armored in the body.  Touching an interior place of innocence is valuable for all three types in this triad as it’s a space of vulnerability before the tendency towards an interior hardening/numbing of their life force that came with life experience.    The hardening/numbing can show up in the body as a sort of rigid stance and in the cognitive/emotional life as cynicism, numbing, complaining, negativity and a general feeling of malaise.   Anger is helpful to access as it is a useful emotion/energy that helps them know what matters and what is important.  Dancing is a useful practice as there is a letting go and allowing the body to dance itself.  I went to Baja with a body type friend of mine and in the distance, saw her dancing on the beach. She returned to tell me she was “dancing with the whales.”  

The perceptual (mental) filter is the buried function for this triad, so journaling is helpful to track and link events and to make connections.  I’ve found this triad amazing when working with metaphor, image and symbol for it evokes emotions and somatic responses that loosen the stuck places and help them shift the obsessive loop of inner thoughts.  I once did an object contemplation exercise with a group and a 9 and a 1 both shared powerful experiences of simply gazing at a flower from their respective gardens.   So, the journaling may simply be images, photos, drawings.  My 9 daughter used to fill her journal with things and images she’d collected; she also wrote a lot of poetry which enabled her to contact the emotional space through a medium that spoke to her.  While the heart types are challenged with going inside the inner space and the head types are challenged with going to the messiness of the exterior world, the body types struggle with both…there is a sort of sliding back and forth between the two with a tendency to get stuck in one and ignore the other.  There is an either/or, this/that quality.  This is why the image work is powerful as it seems to soften the boundary between the two. 

This can extend to work with dreams…record the dream in the present tense, highlight the images from the dream and free associate what the image might mean to the dreamer.  As connections are made, a clearer picture begins to emerge.  One woman I know has been part of a long time dream group and she says it is the one place where she really glimpses the inner meanings that can elude her conscious awareness.  She shares the dream out loud to other participants which fleshes it out more deeply.  This triad can lose perspective on the past as they may hyper focus on a few elements.  Dreamwork and image work help flesh out details and emotions that had previously eluded their awareness.

Vipassana meditation is especially meaningful in this triad for it is rooted in “seeing things as they actually are.”    Thus, they relax into the flow of what is arising in the inner space and the exterior world.  This meditation is about witnessing…noticing…not judging, evaluating and assessing.  Life is no longer a problem to tackle; rather it becomes a river on which one floats.  (Because this triad can be challenged by sleep, it can be helpful to focus attention in the third eye for it is housed in the mental center.  Focusing on the hara…belly center…is not always useful in this triad as it has the potential to induce sleep). 

Finally, the practice I’ve found most reliable in this triad is connecting to the natural world.  A walk in the woods or on the beach is not about struggling, fixing and perfecting.  Life in all its power and simple beauty simply exists as it is.  The body types often see themselves as one participant within the vastness of the cosmos.  It offers perspective without the need to judge it.

I’m always interested in what angers each type and lately, my attention has been on Nines, who are the most out of touch with their anger.  It’s not uncommon for people to say that they notice the anger in their Nine partner/child/co-worker/friend before the Nine herself knows its there.   Some thoughts on Nines and anger:

1. We often hear about Nines and conflict avoidance, but a lot of us avoid conflict which we typically see as a disagreement with another.  But, if we fine tune the word, consider the term “emotional conflict” which is more about clashing and contradictory emotions within a person and you can get  a deeper sense of the Nine avoidance.  For Nines, in day to day life, this shows up as a desire for comfort.   Nines gets triggered when their comfort is disrupted by an opposing perspective, a new idea/mindset that knocks them out of their comfort zone, a person who draws them into deeper engagement with something going on in the family, a partner, the workplace and/or the world.   (Notice the emphasis on and/or.  Some Nines are comfortable engaging in social issues, for instance, but far less comfortable working through something difficult with say, one of their kids or their partner who they simply wish would quit creating turbulence in the relationship).   Aware Nines tell me they practice staying with the discomfort just a moment longer so they build a capacity to tolerate disagreement and disruption to their idealization which is “I am peaceful.”   

If you are a Nine, notice when you feel uncomfortable.  Where is the discomfort and corresponding anger housed inside your body?  Can you breathe into it with an attitude of welcoming acceptance?  You might even want to time it and stay with it for 90 seconds while breathing gently into the discomfort.

2. If you think you can force a change in thinking on a Nine, I have an elephant for you to move.   I’ve been partnered with a Nine for over 30 years and my daughter is a Nine and forcing movement is not terribly effective.    Nines have a conservative streak (don’t think politics and religion, think of conserving energy or a closely held perspective that offers familiarity and comfort).  This holding pattern makes forcing action difficult.   Nines are the great exemplars of the notion that change Begins Within.  The more you push from the outside, the more the Nine feels the resistance inside and will tend to go stubborn. And, because this is an instinctive type, they can smell someone trying to “push the river” a mile away so let go of any notions you can sneak your desire for them to take action or change in through the back door.  

If you’re a Nine, notice when you are trying to conserve your energy if feeling pushed into action or change.  Often, this conserving ends up having the opposite effect and draining you.  Stubborn resistance is exhausting.  This does not mean you must take action or change your view.  Rather, it invites you to allow space for your anger when you feel an outside push.  The anger helps you get clear about your position without stubbornly refusing consideration of other views.  

3. Practice radical acceptance.  Acceptance is the elixir for Nines since they tend to diminish their own worth or not accept “unacceptable” emotions in themselves and others.   This isn’t about agreement; rather, it’s accepting what’s showing up.   Often Nines are told they’re comfortable to be with because “they’re so accepting” which is sometimes true…except when it’s not.   Some Nines tell me their internal state is more anxious than what they reveal on the outside.  It’s dicey and takes a good capacity for self-observation to recognize the difference between accepting and the tendency to “numb out.”. In contemplative prayer, there is a prayer called “Welcoming Prayer” in which we respond rather than react to any given situation by welcoming the divine indwelling in the thoughts, feelings and sensations inside of ourselves…radical acceptance.   

If you’re a Nine, notice the difference between acceptance and numbing out.  You might find it useful to sit in nature and allow whatever comes into your sphere of awareness.  It might be helpful to engage your body and hold out your arms in a spirit of surrender and acceptance. This includes all of you…that which makes you comfortable and uncomfortable.   Sometimes, singing or chanting is useful as music allows you to relax into the total flow of Life beyond the habitual thought loops of what is often called the obedience/defiance loop common to this type.  (I will.  I will NOT.  I will.  I will NOT.)

I’ve a close friend who is an Eight and we talk often about anger.  I used to see it as a bad thing..embarrassing, out of control and frankly, overwhelming.  She’s pointed me to a different view in which anger is an instinctual energy which is wired into our reptilian brain and is registered in our bodies.  It comes up on its own.  My 16 month old grandson helps me see this regularly.  He expresses his anger and is done with it.  

I’ve learned that anger helps us know what matters to us and when we ignore it, it tends to erupt and/or get projected onto other people. Finding channels to work with this powerful energy is useful in harnessing the energy to effect change and gain clarity.  Nines have a wellspring of energy and often anger which gets pushed down in the name of being comfortable.  The practice isn’t about being peaceful.  It’s about being real, showing up and flowing in the river of change even when it knocks you around.   

If you don’t know your type and would like to register online for a typing interview over Skype, click here.

Join me on Facebook.

Alejandro, Janice and me.

When my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer 5 1/2 years ago, my initial response was the requisite, “Why her?” She’d experienced a number of life challenges and I felt as if she’d had her fill.

Yet, that was then and this is now. 

Janice took an unconventional approach to cancer by treating it not as an enemy with which to do battle but as a rather unwanted companion who had shown up to offer her insights into her feelings, her body and her relationships. 

She reflected on thought patterns that had created undue stress and began to change the way she saw the world and let go of her propensity to worry about things beyond her control. 

She chose not to reduce her interaction with the health care system to oncologists, surgeons and cell destroying meds. Nor, was she going to rely exclusively on conventional medicine to heal as she intuitively knew that she was far more familiar with her body than an oncologist whose attention focused exclusively on her cancer. 

Instead, she chose to view her body as a living organism which wanted to cooperate with her healing. She participated in an acupuncture study at Tri-Health Integrative. She received therapeutic Healing Touch the morning of each chemo treatment. Bethesda generously allowed Ceece, her Healing Touch practitioner to do a treatment pre-op and post-op. Ceece created a loving , healing environment for all of us in the waiting room as she is aware of the impact a family’s stress can have on the patient. As she worked with me, I could feel a spaciousness inside of me that facilitated a deeper level of acceptance.

Yet, it did not stop there. Recognizing the power of the mind to facilitate healing, Janice listened to guided imagery CDs which have been proven to alleviate stress and promote positive surgical outcome; her surgeon noticed that bleeding was remarkably minimal. Janice also used a set of CDs designed to invite the power of the mind to assist her in navigating the debilitating effects of aggressive chemotherapy. Her oncologist remarked upon Janice’s surprisingly minimal side effects.   (She told him her approach once her treatment was complete; she didn’t want to risk his skepticism clouding her commitment to the path she’d chosen).

She also chose to examine relationships which served her healing and those that would create stress. (This sometimes included me as she told me I loved her so much that she could feel my fear). She set clear boundaries on relationships as she reflected on her energy capacity for different encounters. She used her cancer to consider which relationships were life giving and life draining and she made necessary changes.

While she has no desire to repeat this cancer journey, she recognizes this uninvited guest became a companion that engendered a profound personal and spiritual transformation for which she is abundantly grateful. She has, in her characteristically unobtrusive fashion, offered these insights to other women experiencing cancer.

Today, we walked our 5K with my daughter and her hub, my niece, my brother-in-law and of course, withAlejandro, my grandson who thinks his Tia Janice is the next best thing to Pepperidge Farm goldfish.   

I just had a conversation with my friend who was raised in a secular Jewish household by liberal parents.  She studied for years with a spiritual guru and is one of my more interesting friends. She’s the one of the most honest, reflective people I know and she has no interest in impressing anyone except maybe her boss.  

I first met her in an Integral Theory program at JFK University and frankly was intimidated by her intellect and her low tolerance for anything I might call inauthentic drivel which I engage in occasionally.   We’ve become friends who talk regularly about Integral, our families and our lives. She encouraged me to pursue my idea of an online sangha (community) for people interested in post-traditional Christianity.  

The other day, she sent me an e-mail in which she wrote: 

one of these days i want to talk to you about the idea of someone sacrificing for your spiritual advancement.  the whole christ died for your sins thing is completely weird to me. 

It never made much sense to me either. So I explained to my friend that this misinterpretation is rooted in sketchy theology.   The Greek word being translated as “salvation” is what scholar Lynn Bauman might call “restoration to fullness of being.”  It isn’t about anyone dying FOR anyone in the typically sacrificial sense.  

Rather, it is about entering into deep communion…loving so deeply, so fully that this love unites the I and the Thou.   I’m not talking about sentimental, gushy love.  I’m talking about a fierce love which stands solid and steady in a state of open surrender to what IS in the midst of some of the biggest curve balls life throws you.  (The Buddha’s insight helps here.  Life is suffering.)

I also explained that there are other texts beyond the four familiar gospels which help flesh out the Jesus path.  This is helpful as the four gospels in the canon have been interpreted in some pretty frightening, misogynistic ways.  

These other texts include the Gospel of Thomas, the Gospel of Mary Magdalene and the Gospel of Philip. They predate the canonical gospels and Jesus has a distinctly Buddhist feel in these texts.   For instance:

If you bring forth what is within you, what you will bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.    (Nothing like the shock of recognizing our hidden selves).  

These other texts also place Mary Magdalene in the front of the room…as the one apostle who fully understood Jesus’ radical message of love.  

So I said this to my friend: “It’s as if the path of Christ consciousness hasn’t been fully realized or understood by mainstream Christianity.  It’s a case of mistaken identity.  And I see many people embarrassed and ashamed to be Christian these days and I understand that as well.  But, there is a wealth of inner, contemplative wisdom in these texts.  There is a well worn path of love.  

She said “You wouldn’t know it by what you see out there.”  

That’s because they don’t get attention.  Loud people do.  And, while I’m not a traditional Christian, I do find many traditional Christians leading a life of love.  They’re in hospices and homeless shelters feeding dying people.  There are also countless Christians, traditional and post traditional, practicing contemplation born in the wisdom path of conscious love in which the divine is not out there in an elusive far away place called heaven.  Rather, it is in the stillness of our hearts for we are participating with a divine force of love some call God.    

Renowned scholar, Huston Smith, distills Christianity to this:

We’re in good hands, and in gratitude for that fact it would be well if we bore one another’s burdens.

She found this helpful.  She said it makes more sense than using religion as what she calls a “political bludgeon.” She found Christianity frightening as a kid growing up.  No big surprise from a woman from a Jewish household.  

We also talked about the “spiritual but not religious” postmodern tendency to meld all religions into one ignoring the distinct contributions of the world religions which is useful in moving past “my way is the only way” mindset of traditional religion, but it often tends to distill wisdom to pablum.  

So, we might ask, why start over? Why throw the baby out with the bathwater?  Why not integrate ancient practices with modern and postmodern insights?   Traditionalists have much to offer in a world in which Girls Gone Wild is often seen a distorted pinnacle of sexual freedom.  

She wants to tape a conversation in which she asks me some of the more difficult questions.   I’m open.  While I’ve no interest in Christian apologetics,  I do have an interest in contributing an alternative perspective that often gets lost amidst the clamor.  

Someone asked me on Facebook about the Tree of Life, a film by Terrence Malick: “How was the movie? Would you recommend it?”  If anything illuminates our mood, typological and cultural preferences along with systems of meaning making, it would be Tree of Life.  So my response reflects a personal experience on a given day so it’s a straightforward…maybe:

Jennifer…it’s an unequivocal…”it depends.” It’s the one movie at which I almost fell asleep that I would also recommend highly to some people. I got sleepy as there is a dreamy sort of quality because it is more of a series of images as experienced through the lens of an adult male (Sean Penn). 

Whether or not you would like it? I don’t know. I’d have to ask you a few questions. I know people who did (or would) hate it. If your orientation is towards well-constructed narratives, it might make you crazy or confused. If you, like some people I am seeing on Integral forums, weary of nebulous Integral language and imagery, it might irritate you. 

It also depends on your own preferences.  For instance, you might find it self-indulgent on the part of Terrence Malick .

I also might ask you about your mood for the day…for me, it was just what I needed yesterday and as I said in my status, it elicited one of the most interesting, illuminating conversations I’ve had in a long time as I had a great day with my son afterwards as we walked while a storm rolled in…it was a perfect sort of mirror for the movie we had just seen and for our discussion.

For me, it will remain one of the more memorable movies I’ve ever seen. The first 30 minutes were absolutely visually beautiful (other people hated the first 30 minutes thinking what the hell was THAT?) as it was laying out the case that the life of a small town Texas family is not only embedded in the evolution of the cosmos but also a mirror for the very nature of the cosmos: replete with paradox and polarities, conflicted between nature and grace, imbued with creativity, stasis, cruelty, love.  

As the cosmos awakens to itself so we awaken to ourselves and the discoveries are painful: our caregivers and creators aren’t who they say they are…they’re flawed, they’re broken and whole …we love them and draw them near while pushing them away with a vengeance.

It’s also the Law of Three revealed elegantly. If the natural world is a template for human unfolding (since we are part of the whole) then this is what it looks and feels like.

Were there problems? Yes, I’d say so, but geez, the courage in creating a film that is not only an artistic masterpiece but also completely confusing and irritating to an awful lot of people is pretty remarkable. (I’m usually impressed by ballsy creativity). 

The mother was a too passive and perfect and ethereal for me, but that’s my own stuff (after all, isn’t a film a mirror of our own projections?) It could have used some editing (although in the post film discussion with a local critic, he thought it was edited flawlessly).

On another personal note, I felt the way I often do when watching Mad Men (and no, they’re nothing alike): the creators give a masterful felt sense of growing up in the repressed late 50s early 60s. It’s almost creepy…I could feel scenes inside of me complete with the emotions I felt as a kid and as a girl. I am both drawn in like a moth to flame and I want to close my eyes, cover my ears, yell at the screen and sometimes run away. 

The ending confused me although the conversation with the critic and then my son helped me understand we were witnessing a conscious return (to Love? grace? to Oneness?)

So, there you have it.  I say see it.  If nothing else, you may get a lovely nap and have some great dreams when you fall asleep at night. Or, you may be thinking about it and feeling it inside of you for days to come.

Last night, as I taught a class on the false self through an Enneagram lens, something struck me that never fails to give me a certain reverence for the Narrative Tradition: a human being can never be reduced to a type.  

The very essence of each person is distinct and the stories which shape their becoming are rooted in a vast array of personal and cultural experiences.  

If you walked into the room last night and talked to each of the three Sixes sitting on the couch, you might never guess they are the same type regardless of your proficiency with the Enneagram.  The energy and body language of each is so different.  

All three participated in a meditation in which they were invited into the questions:

Who are you in the eyes of your mother?
…your father?
…your society?
…your best friend?
…your beloved?

My guess is that in the debrief, they identified with different qualities because each family has its own identity.

When I arrived home, the gift of the Narrative revealed itself once again.

I picked up a Rick Steves guidebook on Ireland and began to step into the culture of the ancestors who have shaped my family’s worldview.  

As I read, I had to set the book down as I inhaled deeply and thought, “This is remarkable. The Irish are in the fabric of me.”  I read Steves’ reflections on Ireland:

▪ Ask for directions.  It’s always a rich experience.

▪ An Irishman once joked, “How can I know what I think until I hear what I say?” 

▪ The Irish seem born with a love of music.  At social gatherings, everyone’s ready to sing his or her “party piece.” 

▪ Irish immigrants brought with them to the US the first political organization for the downtrodden.

▪ The Irish people have a worldwide reputation as talkative, athletic (missed that one), musical, moody romantics with a quick laugh and ready smile. 

▪ While much of Europe has buried older cultures under new, Ireland still reveals its cultural bedrock

GK Chesterton wrote:

The great Gaels of Ireland
The lord hath made them mad
For all their wars are merry
And all their songs are sad. 

An exasperated Freud said, “The Irish are the only race whose insanities can not be cured by psychoanalysis.” 

Music. Humor. Gab. Darkness. Madness. Downtrodden. Unhibited sincerity. Showmanship. Moody.  

The Irish are in me even as I experience my Irishness through my distinctive type lens.

Layers upon layers build our identity.  Our Irish-ness, German-ness, British-ness, American-ness, Salvadoran-ness,  Korean-ness, Indian-ness, Jewish-ness, Catholic-ness, Buddhist-ness, Protestant-ness… the groups who’ve shaped us whether we live in opposition to them or in synch with them.  

The psychologist helps us track our stories so we can identify and dis-identify with the pieces that conditioned us.  

The spiritual director helps us let them go and relax into unconditioned divine Love.

Each has its inherent value.  

I’m not of the mind that spiritual practice is an ascetic, dry ascent to the evolutionary pinnacle of an elusive enlightenment.  

Rather, it is a descent:  an on the ground, nuts and bolts sacramental presence to each moment of our lives which invite us to open our arms in radical surrender to the qualities that open us and inhibit us from Love made manifest.  

The question is: When is our identity…our own personal narrative…serving Life and inhibiting Life? 

Yet, I also hale from a tradition that places the final answer in the unknowable…in something we call grace. The X factor in which we know absolutely Nothing.   We’ve a wordless sort of wonder for the ultimate Reality and an awareness that we are participating in a flow in which we are but a speck in a moment in time….all we need do is listen.  

“Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery it is. In the boredom and pain of it, no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it, because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.”   FREDERICK BUECHNER

Recently, in my role as Social Media Coordinator for Enneagram Studies in the Narrative Tradition, I wrote an article in response to a question a Facebook fan had about Enneagram type 8s. He asked for insights and strategies which might be helpful to 8s.  I thought I’d share:

When dealing with 8s, it’s helpful to recognize the defense structure that holds this type together: denial.  8s often tell us they are taken by surprise when their bodies break down in some way or when they realize the subtle ways their vulnerability is hidden.  

We know 8s who may even know the Enneagram well and clearly see the blindspots and reactive behavior of other types, but simply cannot see the proverbial plank in their eye.  Denial is a powerful defense protecting an idealized self (“I am strong.”) 

One of my colleagues, Peter O’Hanrahan is an 8, and he describes it like this:

“Denial closes down my view…I no longer see thing. I literally insulate myself from my own internal feeling. So it narrows down my attention and I literally don’t see things…feelings and thoughts have become dense.  I can’t even see that there could be a better approach or  I could go in a different direction.  The more emotionally charged, the issue, the less I can take in what is being said. I literally don’t retain the information.”  It is a stance of what Peter calls “principled inattention.”  

When living with and loving an 8, this inattention can be extraordinarily frustrating.  Yet, do know this: 8s do not remember data when caught in the grip of denial.  They can retell a story differently than what may have been experienced by others and it feels real and true.  I remember hearing a rather aware 8 share a story of an event we both attended in which she offered a version of the events with characters who were not in attendance. As she shared, the story was congruent with a deeply held worldview; she did not experience it as a “lie.” Rather, it was an example of “principled inattention.”  Compassionate understanding goes a long way when in relationship with an 8 (or any type for that matter).  Humor never hurts either. 

So, if you are an 8, what might be some strategies in dealing with the denial when caught in the grip of something you can’t see?

1. The body is a great barometer of what is going on. When “triggered” in some way, the 8 tends to “power up” bodily energy when feeling any vulnerability.  So, it’s helpful to pause.  Slow.  Notice your stance.  Feel the “powering up breath.”  How does it show up in your body?
2. If you are feeling defensive and you are resisting feedback from another, breathe in.  You may want to soften your stance (which is often rooted in the core idealization “I’m strong) and relax into the place in your body where you can feel yourself armoring.  Imagine breathing into your heart.  If feelings come up and you begin to notice anxiety, stay with the anxiety.  Welcome it.   As you feel the softening…the feelings…you may begin to notice a more expanded view of things.  The data becomes more clear, less distorted.   Sometimes, it’s helpful to acknowledge the other and even repeat back what was shared with you.  This helps you clarify the feedback of the other and it helps another feel as if she has been heard.
3. When softer feelings do come up, notice them and allow them. Recognize that as you slowly allow them, the anxiety begins to dissipate for their is no longer a well of dammed up emotion.   There is not only an integrity in recognizing you can live more fully when you span the spectrum of strength and vulnerability, but there is also a lot more energy for creative channeling of your passion for you are not bound by the need to be right, tough and strong.
4.  Notice your tendency towards black and white thinking.  Notice assumptions, snap judgments and prejudices which prevent your access to the truth you so deeply value.  Philosopher Ken Wilber writes that each perspective is “true, but partial.”  How might each perspective have its own truth?  
5.  Finally, inside of 8s, there is a soft, vulnerable child who feels unprotected in a hostile world.  All that strength has its natural opposite:  a tender heart.  Allow for relationships which allow you to open to this tenderness.  Be mindful of your tendency to take on too much responsibility for another or the tendency to feel excessively guilty for time when your “bigness” got in the way of deeper connection.  Self compassion goes a long way. 

You may start to pay attention to the inner and outer cues which let you know you are being triggered. These cues might include:

Inner cues: “powering up” breath, hardening of jaw, heart, arms and legs, vengeful thoughts, prejudgments, denial of feelings (I’m fine…it’s him/her, not me), defensiveness, planning for an “attack,” anxiety…you may also notice how you project your own tendency to control on others and assume others are trying to control you. 

Outer cues: over asserting  or excessively withdrawing (the key word is “excessive”), aggressive or overly directive talk style, gulping food, drink, material possessions (expression of lust), taking quick action (often with excessive energy), talking over another person or being combative and quick to anger

If you don’t know your type and would like to register online for a typing interview over Skype, click here.

Join me on Facebook.

Recently, in my role as Social Media Coordinator for Enneagram Studies in the Narrative Tradition, I wrote an article in response to a question a Facebook fan had about Enneagram type 8s. He asked for insights and strategies which might be helpful to 8s.  I thought I’d share:

When dealing with 8s, it’s helpful to recognize the defense structure that holds this type together: denial.  8s often tell us they are taken by surprise when their bodies break down in some way or when they realize the subtle ways their vulnerability is hidden.  

We know 8s who may even know the Enneagram well and clearly see the blindspots and reactive behavior of other types, but simply cannot see the proverbial plank in their eye.  Denial is a powerful defense protecting an idealized self (“I am strong.”) 

One of my colleagues, Peter O’Hanrahan is an 8, and he describes it like this:

“Denial closes down my view…I no longer see thing. I literally insulate myself from my own internal feeling. So it narrows down my attention and I literally don’t see things…feelings and thoughts have become dense.  I can’t even see that there could be a better approach or  I could go in a different direction.  The more emotionally charged, the issue, the less I can take in what is being said. I literally don’t retain the information.”  It is a stance of what Peter calls “principled inattention.”  

When living with and loving an 8, this inattention can be extraordinarily frustrating.  Yet, do know this: 8s do not remember data when caught in the grip of denial.  They can retell a story differently than what may have been experienced by others and it feels real and true.  I remember hearing a rather aware 8 share a story of an event we both attended in which she offered a version of the events with characters who were not in attendance. As she shared, the story was congruent with a deeply held worldview; she did not experience it as a “lie.” Rather, it was an example of “principled inattention.”  Compassionate understanding goes a long way when in relationship with an 8 (or any type for that matter).  Humor never hurts either. 

So, if you are an 8, what might be some strategies in dealing with the denial when caught in the grip of something you can’t see?

1. The body is a great barometer of what is going on. When “triggered” in some way, the 8 tends to “power up” bodily energy when feeling any vulnerability.  So, it’s helpful to pause.  Slow.  Notice your stance.  Feel the “powering up breath.”  How does it show up in your body?
2. If you are feeling defensive and you are resisting feedback from another, breathe in.  You may want to soften your stance (which is often rooted in the core idealization “I’m strong) and relax into the place in your body where you can feel yourself armoring.  Imagine breathing into your heart.  If feelings come up and you begin to notice anxiety, stay with the anxiety.  Welcome it.   As you feel the softening…the feelings…you may begin to notice a more expanded view of things.  The data becomes more clear, less distorted.   Sometimes, it’s helpful to acknowledge the other and even repeat back what was shared with you.  This helps you clarify the feedback of the other and it helps another feel as if she has been heard.
3. When softer feelings do come up, notice them and allow them. Recognize that as you slowly allow them, the anxiety begins to dissipate for their is no longer a well of dammed up emotion.   There is not only an integrity in recognizing you can live more fully when you span the spectrum of strength and vulnerability, but there is also a lot more energy for creative channeling of your passion for you are not bound by the need to be right, tough and strong.
4.  Notice your tendency towards black and white thinking.  Notice assumptions, snap judgments and prejudices which prevent your access to the truth you so deeply value.  Philosopher Ken Wilber writes that each perspective is “true, but partial.”  How might each perspective have its own truth?  
5.  Finally, inside of 8s, there is a soft, vulnerable child who feels unprotected in a hostile world.  All that strength has its natural opposite:  a tender heart.  Allow for relationships which allow you to open to this tenderness.  Be mindful of your tendency to take on too much responsibility for another or the tendency to feel excessively guilty for time when your “bigness” got in the way of deeper connection.  Self compassion goes a long way. 

You may start to pay attention to the inner and outer cues which let you know you are being triggered. These cues might include:

Inner cues: “powering up” breath, hardening of jaw, heart, arms and legs, vengeful thoughts, prejudgments, denial of feelings (I’m fine…it’s him/her, not me), defensiveness, planning for an “attack,” anxiety…you may also notice how you project your own tendency to control on others and assume others are trying to control you. 

Outer cues: over asserting  or excessively withdrawing (the key word is “excessive”), aggressive or overly directive talk style, gulping food, drink, material possessions (expression of lust), taking quick action (often with excessive energy), talking over another person or being combative and quick to anger

If you don’t know your type and would like to register online for a typing interview over Skype, click here.

Join me on Facebook.